Thoughts

How it feels

I was just hanging out with friends when I felt it. My body rushed with heat and my hands became clammy. Everyone's volume had been turned up. My eyes drift to a spot for me at stare at and I can't seam to look away from it. My stomach feels strange as the feeling of safety leaves me. I wonder why that is so when nothing unsafe is happening. My eyes begin to search the room for his face. For any of there faces. When I find one of them I take in his ease. The way his shoulder sit calmly on his body. The way his lips move as he smiles at a joke his friend makes. Why does he make me feel so safe ? I barely know him. I don't think he cares to know me.  Yet he still calms me down. I finally can walk now. I head towards the bathroom and I feel like everyone is watching even though there not. I have a routine that I do every time. I rub oils on my neck. Take a pill and put on some chapstick. I take a deep breath and put on a fake smile and walk out of the bathroom in hopes that my smile looks real.

I wish it could be real....