heights (ashton irwin)

o n e

a/n: trigger warnings; mentions of depression, drug abuse, and suicidal thoughts.

Ashton

Everything hurts worse at night.

Whether it be the feeling of unmistakable loneliness grasping onto you as you lay in a half-empty bed, wishing that a certain somebody was beside you, or the realization that you've been wasting your life on meaningless tasks that will no doubt be forgotten in a hundred years, or even the demons in your head making themselves comfortable as they scream in your ear that you're not good enough, that nobody really loves you, that you're worthless. No matter the issue, it seems to weigh down on people with so much more intensity when the sun sets and the stars attempt to shine over the clouded sky.

I don't know why this is the case. Maybe it's because there's nothing to distract you from the aching feeling inside of your heart. Maybe the demons are always there, but they wait, hiding in the loudness of other people until it's dead silent and there's nowhere to run. Maybe the loneliness isn't temporary, and the night-time is just an excuse to let yourself feel things that you would much rather keep in the shadows when there are other people awake to see them.

Or maybe that's just me.

I guess that's why I try to keep myself busy at night. In fact, I've got it down to a science; work, sex, get high, more sex, and repeat. It's the only surefire way to keep those pesky emotions under wraps.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I feel things. In fact, I actually enjoy feeling sad. The times when I lay on the bathroom floor, throat sore from violent sobs and my eyes blurry with tears because I don't know what the hell to do about the urge to just take one more pill and fade away. Those are the the only times I'm sure that I'm still alive. But those times are becoming more and more scarce and it's getting to the point where I don't think I even know how to feel anything anymore. My mom says I'm just trying to find myself, and my step-dad says I'm a 'goddamn sociopath'. My therapist doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, so her opinion doesn't really matter. I don't know what's wrong with me. And I'm not sure if I want to.

But, I suppose that's what makes my case so very tragic; I prefer being broken to being fixed. Call me twisted, I can't help it. There's a strange, almost alarming solace found in the empty sensation in my chest. Plus, it's easier this way. If I have no expectation to be happy, I won't be let down when I'm not. 

If I stay in the lows, I won't be disappointed when I come down from any highs.

Besides, I'm fucking terrified of heights, anyways.

a/n: HI WELCOME

get it bc like highs of life and also high like being high in the air WHOOP PLAY ON WORDS WOW

ok so

i wanted to create a fanfic all about the effect that depression has on everyday life. depressions not pretty, its not something thats aesthetic or 'tumblr' or whatever. it fucking sucks.

so i wanted to focus on that and although this is gonna have a romance in it its also going to be about battling depression because its not an easy thing and i want to make people aware of that. thats all, thank you.

and if you do have depression, please do not give up hope. I promise you that you are worth so much and its okay to not be okay.

i love you