when i asked what was beauty, they told me it was her. of course she was beauty. she was skinny, she was 5'2, she had the beautiful blue eyes with the long brown and wavy hair. she carried not a single blemish on her face. she had the hourglass body shape. she was smart, she was talented. she was everything i wasn't.
so as i walk down the same halls with my head down low, hearing the same voices, how am i supposed to think i'm anything but nothing.
"stop eating. you're fat."
"put makeup on, you're ugly."
"fucking get a tutor. you're stupid."
when the only thing good about you was that ass everybody would to want go a chance to hit. when you had those breasts that everyone would want to get a chance to see. when they only interesting thing about you was your mental disorders and how you could walk with a body so fat.
i wasn't skinny nor was i pretty. so i changed. i took away all i had, and swallowed nothing more but my pride. but only if i had none, for the weeks and months to come, my pride would be the last thing i would swallow.
i walked to my bathroom, ready to change my life.
258 pounds. don't worry, you'll be stick thin soon enough.
i told myself repeatedly. if i only i wish i hadn't. day after day, more torment came my way. two weeks flew away.
242 pounds. good progress.
no, it wasn't good progress. but if only people had realized soon enough losing so much weight, in such little time wasn't good, i would be happy right now. as the months flew on, eating nothing but two crackers every few weeks.
132 pounds.
i hadn't gone to school. i wanted to surprise everyone. but would they look at me differently? or would they treat me the same? more time came around and finally.
112!
i had never been so proud of myself. my body was like hers. my makeup skills had improved. i would make everybody regret they ever said anything to me.
"you look so pretty! you're so healthy now!"
was i really?
"damn."
the kings of the school dropped their jaws. they thought i was pretty. who was i to stop what i was doing if they thought i was pretty?
but sooner or later, it would come to the time where i would be either knocked out by the booze or fainting from the lack of everything my body didn't have.
they thought i was pretty. i was doing the right thing. to everybody, i was a success story. but one day, i looked differently at myself.
i was nothing but bones with a layer of flesh.
i wouldn't have that warmth inside of me, i was just cold inside. i had nothing that was worthy of love. but i still told myself other wise.
you could go on a few more days.
