deeply

91

s    c    a    r    e    d
(edited 3/2/18)

your eyes they watch me
my eyes they catch you
and this cycle repeats countless times a day
a hundred times a week
a million times a month

and i have grown to the routine so much
that the feelings have sneaked up on me
tightened around my throat, my arms, my waist, my chest
so that when they vibrate it releases tingles up and down my body when i think about you
or it makes my lips tug upward when i see you
or they make my cheeks grow red when someone mentions your name

but i am scared
so scared that sometimes i look away every time we make eye contact
and i force my lips down when i see you
and i frown when i think of you

because the boy before you broke my confidence
and the girl before him shattered my hope
and the first boy ever ruined me

he ruined me so much that i flinch anytime someone says his name
and i cry when i see a picture of him
and i wince at the thought of seeing him again
my blood courses with fear that i will have to face him again
and i don't want to add another one to that long list of heartache
because i have been okay for so long and i'm not ready for a whole new string of hurt that's so similar to the last and yet so different

but what if you felt the same as me?

how great would i feel until it twisted into struggle and sadness
because i have been in relationships before and they've always hurt just the same
and i'm running away from the thought of us faster than i ran into it
and i know what i'm doing is bad
because maybe you're not like the others and i'm destroying our chance before we fully ever grasp it in each other's hands
but i can't help but think

about the first boy who ruined me.