Tomorrow • A Jungkook X Reader Fanfiction

#9

I guess even my anxiety has good sides: I enjoy the little things in life - like the more or less fresh air outside when I dare to go for a walk, or the coffee I pour myself at home because I can't go to a coffeeshop, or listening to heavy autumn rain drumming against my kitchen window like right now. I live mostly for those moments. Though yesterday evening has changed that a bit, I guess - now I also live for kisses and the "Good morning" text Jungkook has sent me today.

One of those little moments is my weekly tradition to listen to Cultwo, a radio show on SBS power FM to improve my Korean while cooking lunch. Though I'm not really interested in Korean music, at least not Kpop, I love Kdramas; both are the topics they're talking about. Usually they're interviewing Singers and Actors and it's fun to listen to, though I don't understand everything.

I hum along the music in the beginning and try to imitate the moderators while cutting onions. Wiping away the tears that stream down my face due to them, I laugh at it like every time, even though I feel that today is a bad day. It's nothing I can grip: It's just there, flowing through my veins, poisoning my thoughts. I feel sad though I'm laughing and trying to enjoy myself, anxiety boiling beneath my skin, nothing particular, but that doesn't make it any better.
Probably the aftermath of yesterday's happiness. Thinking about it still makes me smile, but it's not enough.

Not even the radio can distract me from the clouds in my mind.
"We are here together with Bangtan Sonyeondan", one of the hosts says, I don't know who because I still can't tell them apart and always mix up their names. Everyone in the studio cheers. "Now, these seven boys have returned once again into the world! Introduce yourself!"

"2,3! Bang! Tan! Hello we are BTS", they shout into the microphones. I haven't even heard of them, but to be fair, the only groups I know basics about are Big Bang and 2pm, and even those just so little you can't call it "knowing". Seriously. Almost the same with girl groups. It's a shame.

"Can everyone introduce themselves?", the other host asks with boredom in his voice. You can definitely tell he has asked this question way too often before.

"Okay", one of them says. "I'm BTS' oldest hyung - Jin." For a moment, I forget the onions. I must be hallucinating. This guy - does he have the same voice as Seokjin? I can't remember how it sounded because when we met he said, like, two sentences I didn't really understand and in the moment I was too overwhelmed with the whole situation and tried not to panic. He has a similar name like the guy on the radio for sure.

While I'm still trying to get myself back together by pouring a glass of water, already two other members have introduced themselves but I haven't really payed attention. What brings me back into reality is a loud voice shouting: "Yes, hello! No matter how much time passes, I'm still your hope - Jhope!"
Instead of laughing like the people in the studio, I take a deep sip of water to calm my thoughts. There have to be many guys in Korea with the syllable Jin in their name and having a voice I think I know.
But instead of calming, my thoughts go wild when the next member introduces himself.

"Yes hello. I'm Jungkook." His voice is rough and strange but - I spit the water into the sink which splashes everywhere, but I don't care. No. Wait. WHAT?!
I barely hear one of the moderators asking what's with his voice.

"I just came from eating, sorry."

Is this really him? I turn up the volume, but the next member is already talking.
Am I going crazy? What is this? Jungkook can't be-

I haven't even noticed how my panic went from one to hundred, slowly flowing through my veins. My heart is pounding in my ears, I can't hear anything - not the radio, not the boiling of water on the stove, just my heartbeat. I think I'm going to be sick. Really sick.

After several deep breaths I have myself under control again - at least I don't think I'm going to throw up and can hear the moderators talking again about their new album blowing up. The panic is still boiling in my throat.

I wait for Jungkook to say something, but he remains silent. Maybe I've really just hallucinated. It has to be. He can't...
It'd make sense that he is an idol, I realize. Everything falls into place when you think about it: he said he's working in the music business. He always wears his mask and his hood up if he's not talking to me (or we're kissing), additionally to the fact that his clothes are always just black and white and especially as inconspicuous as possible. He's always just outside at night, in places with little people.
If they've brought out an album recently (what they did if you can believe the moderators), it makes sense that his work was time-consuming and he didn't contact me. Oh god.
That was the thing Jungkook didn't tell me.

And his hyungs aren't just living with him - they are a boy band. A laugh escapes me at the bizarre thought. How is something like this even possible?

"Who hasn't taken the SATS in the team right now?", the moderator asks when I start to pay attention to the show again. If I wouldn't be in a complete turmoil, I would've googled what the SATS are, but in this moment it doesn't even occure to me that I have no idea what that is.

"Jungkookie hasn't", one of them says. A smile whisks over my face when I hear how his hyungs call him.

"Ah - that's why your voice cracked", the moderator laughs.

"It's because I got nervous." It's him. Definitely. I'd recognize this shy laughter out of thousands. Oh goodness. Something in between a squeak and a shout comes out of my mouth, thoughts flying through my mind so fast I can't grab them.
My hand flies to my phone and I'm about to call Jungkook, but then get that the show is live. And'll probably take another forty minutes. And then I realize that the sauce I've cooked is completely burnt.
I swear. It's lost. But I don't really bother, not about the sauce or the other food I've cooked, I don't even think I'll get it down in this state.

I don't know how I get through the next hour - trying to eat but being too anxious to get a single bite down, cleaning up the mess I've made while cooking, wiping away the water I spat everywhere and barely understanding the radio, not just because my Korean isn't good enough but also because my thoughts are too loud and too fast.
Nausea comes up again, and that's when I know it's really bad: my body totally forgetting how to handle the situation. Though I'm at home, an environment that doesn't make me anxious at all, at least normally.

And then, when I'm sure Jungkook isn't on the show anymore - I don't call him.
My throat feels so constricted I don't think I'd even get out a single word. If I'd talk to him on the phone now I'd surely get another panic attack.
And thinking about yesterday... I don't want to destroy what's between us - whatever it is. He'll have his reasons for not telling me, right? Shouldn't I give him time?
But this needs to be brought up - he needs to know that I know, even though it could possibly destroy the new and fragile thing going on between us.

I'm still uncertain about what to do, swallowing hard to keep my anxiety low but failing poorly, hardly noticing my hands shaking or the nausea that doesn't want to go away, I focus on the feeling of uprising, raw panic in my gut.
Telling me everything is okay doesn't help a bit. Watching my phone is worsening it even.
At first, I can't hear it ringing - but then I realize someone is calling me, the last drop that's causing my anxiety to go overboard.
The only thing I can do is stumble to my couch, barely seeing where I set my feet, curling up to shut out the too bright and overwhelming world together with its sounds and let the panic roll over me, waiting for it to go away and leave me alone.

While the world is shaking in the rhythm of my heartbeat I try to breathe, but there's not enough air to fill my lungs, leaving me gasping for breath. It seems like I have forgotten how one breathes.

After a few minutes the waves of panic get weaker. I inhale shakily and carefully open my eyes, listening to my heartbeat getting slower, quiet down. My hands are still shaking, but I'm quite sure the panic attack won't come back.
With trembling knees I walk to the bathroom where I wash out my mouth to forget the disgusting taste nausea has left on my tongue.
My whole body feels heavy enough to make moving an effort when I slowly stumble back into the kitchen area.

I ignore my phone lying on the table, though I know it was probably Jungkook and I genuinely want to call him back... Just - what should I say to him? I think about it for hours and still don't know when he calls again. But I swallow my panic down and do the only thing possible - I pick up.