Searching balance

The exile

-"You should have go."- It is all that Ben says once they are left in Dagobah. He stepped away from Rey and entered the swamps, like someone who knew that place. He is focusing all his will in not bursting in anger. He is madness, he is hate, he is dead.

It had taken him years to realize that he felt dead inside. And today, more than ever, he is alone. There is nothing more to do, nothing more to care. He has lost the last person who defined him, even more that he could admit. She was a general, a real leader, a fighter, a strategist. She had done so much in her life. He only regrets that she never understood how to be his mother. She tried very hard, but they were too much alike. Same big ideals, same passion, same determination.

But now is too late for both. He lost his last chance to understand and maybe embrace his mother. She is gone, like his father. They are gone because of him. They were absent in his childhood because of the war, because of the fights at home, because they were afraid of him.

Now he must wander in exile. He must retrace the footsteps of a man that also let him down, a man that conclude he was a lost cause, a man that would believe in anyone, except him. Now he must try to walk the same path, on the same planet. He, who had fought endless battles, conquers galaxies, endure the arduous training. He, who had achieved so much, who only was surpassed by his grandfather. Still, he is the one cast away from his destiny to the swamps of Dagobah.

While he is lost in his thoughts, walking with great effort due to his wound and the difficulty of the terrain, he traces the route to Master Yoda home. He never had been there before, but he is able to sense the energy that remains of the last occupant, Luke Skywalker.

For his surprise, it is much tinier than he had imagined. He only had heard histories of this place, a long time ago. The plants and the swamp make it hard to find the door, a rustic piece of wood closing what it looks like the bigger hole in the structure. Taking a deep breath, he pulls out the door, at expenses of his pain. Inside is all dirty, abandoned, forgotten.

The size of that house is not suitable for him; he must crawl his way inside. For a moment his anger bursts against that place, against all the people that left him behind. He takes his lightsaber, surprised that he still has it, raises his hand and freezes. His hate fades away with his will to survive, he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't bother if he is cold or wet, he just found a place where he can fit and lie down. He covers himself with the blanket and lies still, completely empty.

Ben Solo is so overwhelmed with his thoughts, that he doesn't sense Rey outside of the cottage. She is standing still, feeling helpless. It was so hard to keep the concentration and the speed trying to follow him, lifting the supplies with the force. It was worse with all the pain, his and hers, inside her mind.

Rey isn't sure whether to come inside, but the heavy rain doesn't give her another option. Leaving the box with supplies outside covered with some branches to protect it; she crawls inside with the emergency box and the bag.

She looks around, with caution, trying not startling him. Approaches what looks like a tiny little stove, checking the chimney. Finds an old broom, tinier than usual, but manage to take it out the leaves and branches that block the chimney inside. With the same debris start a fire, giving more light and warm to that place.

Procuring not make much noise, she cleans the pottery and the kitchen, opens the windows and makes some soup, bringing inside some of the supplies. Tomorrow maybe she will dare to see what they could hunt or fish on that planet. For now, is better eating some rations. Carefully place the dinner on the table and ventures to look at Ben, he hasn't moved in all of that time.

Taking a deep breath, she approaches him, noticing the lightsaber behind him. She is not scared, or that is what she wants to believe. With a trembling hand, she touches his shoulder. -"Ben"- she whispers, he doesn't respond. Rey takes the lightsaber and put it on the table, so she can kneel behind him. Finding some courage, she turns him over calling once more: -"Ben."-

For her surprise, he doesn't resist. His face is all wet, some part sweet and some part tears. He looks absent, careless. She is heartbroken, but more is he. -"Let me clean the wound before we eat."- Her tone is more a suggestion, and she is amazed to see him opening the blanket and exposing his chest. The bandages are filled with dry blood.

Rey picks the emergency box and a cloth to clean Ben's face. He takes her hand before she opens the kit. -"This is not necessary."- His voice is amazingly warm for his empty expression. Their unexpected touch comforts her, warmed her in the inside. Glimpses of their last connection appear in her mind like a rock, how much she had missed him. Right now, there is no other place that she wanted to be.

-"This is necessary. You need to get better."- Rey answers him with love in her voice and in her heart. For a second, she notices a little tremble in his hand, he tries to conceal it by taking the cloth and putting it in his face, crossing his arms over his head. Sensing his discomfort and pain, she prefers to clean the wound.

After all the bandages were new, she realizes that he doesn't have anything more to wear. -"Let me help you to get up"- She announces, taking away the box and the dirty bandages to the kitchen. Goes out and grab some shirts from the supplies box, luckily that shipment included some clothes. Rey comes inside and makes sure that the fire doesn't burn out before they eat, placing new wood inside the stove.

Once she had finished, she goes back to Ben, who hasn't move. She kneels by his side, taking the cloth off his face and discovers him with his eyes closed, like sleeping. His chest moves slowly with his breathing. Rey can't resist the impulse to touch him, to feel and console him.

At the moment she hesitates, looking at his chest, Ben opens his eyes and looks at her, fascinated by their proximity, their incredible comfort being together. For that instant, looking at her genuinely concerned about him, he feels at peace.

Rey dares to place her hand over the wound without touching it, trying to cure him somehow, maybe there is a way to make him better. -"Why are you here?"- Ben asks her, grabbing her hand and placing on his chest old scar, the one that she gave to him.

She is so nervous, for a moment she wants to take away her hand, but he grabs her harder. -"Are you still afraid of me?"- He asks with concern, he doesn't want her to be afraid, and she is the only thing he had left. Rey takes a moment before giving an answer: -"I'm afraid, not of you, but afraid that the monster in the mask comes back."-

Ben keeps looking at her, meditating, embracing that moment, she had chosen him over any rational thought. -"Kylo Ren is dying and so am I."- He says it like that, just like something not important.

-"There is something else I can do to save you?"- Rey rushes to ask and examines his body with a rapid look, thinking she missed another wound. All had happened so fast, that maybe she overlooked him.

-"You already did."- He quickly says, with a little smile on his face squeezing her hand softly to regain her attention. For the first time, his expression is more alive, still a lot of sadness in his eyes. She always finds a way to make him more human.

-"I don't understand. Why did you say that?"- She moves closer to him to look at him better, clearly confused. Ben hesitates; he doesn't want to make any decisions, at least not yet. -"Why are you here?"- He asks her again.

Rey doesn't know what to say, she thought she knew the answer to that question; but now all is different. -"Originally, I thought I just wanted to save you, which were all that I needed to do... Now, I believe I also need to understand why all this is happening to us..."- They gaze each other, like probing themselves. "I'm here for us..." she thinks, touching his face, gently, like reassuring her decision. -"For now, we need to eat."- It's all that she can say.

Outside, the rain stopped falling, letting the sounds of the swamp and the creatures resume. At some distance of the cottage, a blue light figure departures to the deep forest, leaving Ben and Rey for the day.

Original text by Michelle F. Pechs.

Edited by Christian Rodríguez B.