Dear Diary

~1~

Dear diary,

Its Maya here. My therapist told me it would be good to write my feelings down. But really what's the point of writing my feelings down when she's just going to read this. Well I guess I should just say somethings about myself because I honestly don't know. First of all, I'm 17. About to turn 18 in 6 months and 24 days. Ive had anxiety and depression since I was 12. I've tried to kill myself 6 times between the age of 14 and 17. And my older brother died from a drunk driver on January 1st. and my mom hasn't been able to get out of bed. My dad has been ignoring me ever since likes his blaming everything on me, like he wanted me to be the one in that car instead of Dylan. Maybe it should have been me. Well I have to go to school.

I put my black and white notebook on my bedside table and put both of my feet on the ground. Time for school I guess. I haven't been there for the whole first month of this year because my therapist said, "your mental health is horrible so no school until February." I mean I didn't want to go back anyway. I don't have any friends. All of them turned on me because apparently, I'm too mentally ill.

I stand up and walk over to my closet and grab my gray crop top, black and dark green flannel, high wasted black ripped skinny jeans, and white converse and put it all on. I sit down at my vanity and fill in my eyebrows, do a wing, and put on some mascara. I put my hair in messy bun and stand up to grab my twenty one pilots backpack. I walk down the staircase and walk to my mom's room where she's staring at the tv. I walk over to her and kiss her on her forehead.

"I love you mom." I say sitting next to her.

"I love you too sweetheart. Have a good first day back to school." She says smiling. That's the most she's said in the last few days.

I walk in the kitchen and grab a yogurt and then go to head out. Then my dad yells, "hey little asshole where do you think you're going?"

"school?" I say aggravated.

"hell no you aren't." he yells. Hes drunk. Hes so drunk. And its only 6:50 in the morning.

"hell yes I am. My therapist said I go back February 5th. And guess what day it is? February 5th" I yell back, grabbing my keys off the table beside the door and I run out before he can get another word in.

Today is already horrible and I haven't even gotten out of my own drive way. I plug my phone in the aux cord and shuffle it. I'm just singing every song that comes on. But as I'm driving down the road to go to my school and "Girlfriend" by Avirl Lavigne came on. I start screaming the lyrics and head banging. But I look to my left and I see a really cute guy in a car staring at me with the biggest smile on his face. Oh my fucking gosh. I just got back and I have already embarrassed myself.

But DAMNNNNNN he was cute as fuck. But he would never like a girl like me. Plus I might not see him again.