There was nothing like the Winter Olympics to get Michael Splaine's tiny penis excited. But when he walked into Weight Watchers, where training was taking place, his penis immediately deflated.
Standing inside were the other competitors. Two irrelevant guys and...
...Mr. Lynch.
Michael Splaine screamed and immediately started crying on the spot. He stood in the doorway of Weight Watchers crying for like half an hour.
"Mr. Lynch?" Michael Splaine gasped. "What are you doing here?"
Mr. Lynch went into cardiac arrest just then. Mr. Engler ran in with his entire health class, who all yelled in haunting unison, "ARE YOU CHOKING? CAN I TOUCH YOU?"
From the floor, Mr. Lynch said weakly, "I'm here...to kick your ass..." Then he passed out.
"You know what this means, class," Mr. Engler said with a wink. They all nodded and, together, gave Mr. Lynch the Heimlich. With this he was revived.
He stood up and the health class left like nothing happened.
"But Mr. Lynch, snowboarding is my thing!" Michael Splaine cried.
"That's what you think," Mr. Lynch. He looked away with a sad expression. "That's what they want you to think."
"I'm gonna Beat you," Michael Splaine said, lowering himself into a split on the ground.
"No, I'm gonna Beat you!" Mr. Lynch said, also lowering himself into a split on the ground.
"Ow my peepee" they both said and stood up.
The ref person came out at that moment — Mr. Donadonie.
"Time for a team talk," he said. Everyone screamed really loud. He also screamed really loud. Then he said "think like an egg" and left.
Then he came back. "Also Michael Splaine and Mr. Lynch are on a team together lel" he said then left to watch hentai.
Michael Splaine and Mr. Lynch looked at each other. Then they looked away. Then they looked again and both gagged. One of the irrelevant guys threw up on the floor.
"RACERS, REARRANGE YOUR TIDDIES!" yelled the announcer. They all ran out to the hill and got ready.
Michael Splaine switched the boob placement on his female surfboard and it turned into a snowboard. He stood on it and did finger guns at the audience. Christian and Emma both fainted.
Mr. Lynch put on a bright red wig and suddenly he was standing on a snowboard. He pointed over at George Lopez in the audience. "I LOVE YOU BABY" he yelled.
Then the two irrelevant guys did something...unexpected. Something that made them slightly relevant. They turned into...Mario and Sonic??!?!1!
Michael Splaine looked at them and gasped. Subconsciously he grabbed Mr. Lynch's hand. "wtf" Mr. Lynch said. Michael Splaine shrugged.
"ON YOUR MARKS..." yelled Mr. Donadonie. Several people went deaf. "GET SET..." Multiple eardrums imploded. "GO!" Every single ear in the audience crumbled and flew away, gone, like the wind.
Michael Splaine and Mr. Lynch got a head start, but Sonic and Mario were close behind. At the bottom of the hill at the finish line Michael Splaine could faintly see a figure, but could not make out who he was. What he did know was that the figure sent chills down his spine.
They all were very close to the finish line now. Behind them, they heard Sonic yell, "FUCK YA".
When Michael Splaine and Mr. Lynch reached the finish line, time stopped. No one could move except for one powerful man: Nathan. His toes of steel allowed him to transcend time itself. He ran up to Michael Splaine, and slapped him in the face.
Time unfroze. Michael Splaine screamed in agonizing pain. Mr. Lynch cackled and high fived Nathan. He then pushed Michael Splaine to the ground, burying him in the snow.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Michael Splaine yelled in slow motion as he fell.
"yeeeeeet" Mr. Lynch said.
However, they weren't quite done yet. Mr. Lynch and Nathan both did Sailor Moon transformations and punched Michael Splaine in the face. Nathan spat at him and called him a little bitch then drank all his Pepsi. Mr. Lynch knocked Sonic out cold and brought him into the Eggmobile and drove away, laughing.
Michael Splaine lay facedown in the snow. Disrespected, humiliated, and Pepsiless he lied. A cold hard eggshell of a man.
Mario was the last man standing and won by default. "Yahoo! Let's-a go!" he said.
