stemmed from songs. || e.d + g.d

second hand car | gd

second hand car - kim churchill
++
fern struggles to deal with the repercussions of leaving grayson.

I'm woken up by the morning wandering in my window followed by a tapping noise. I sit up in my car realising I've parked in a side of town that I've never seen before. Still half asleep, I stumble out of the car and drowsily make my way to the nearest pay phone to call him. If he picks up now I think I'd probably go home.

Ringing. Monotonous ringing was the only thing that made its way out of the old phone as thoughts pushed themselves to the forefront. Maybe he's given up on me. I shouldn't have left. I probably ruined him. Fern, stop it. You don't need him.

A part of me wants him to pick up so desperately and I put in some more loose change. The dreadful suspense encapsulated in that ringing begins once again. It ceases and is followed by his voice.

"Hey, it's Gray... Leave a message."

"Shit!" I mutter hanging up the phone. I small smile finds a way onto my face as a single tear falls softly down my cheek. He was a part of me. Was. But I stupidly let him go and now that let of me is gone.

He was like heaven in a cage. Perfect and desired, calming and blissful, but just out of reach. Something was blocking me from him and that something was me. I didn't realise that the only thing stopping me from having him was me.

I'm a little bit in pieces.

He was my everything. I could get by knowing that he was mine. But as of now, in this moment right here, all I've got is a second hand car, a letter from him, and an old guitar.

A letter from him that means the world to me. I read it every night before I shut my eyes and drift into an uncomfortably deep sleep. I think I could almost recite it off by heart now.

My Love,
I wanted to write you a love letter, but I think it's going to sound more like a thank you note. Maybe it's both.
I wanted to thank you for washing the dishes when I forget my dirty ones are still in the sink. I want to thank you for watching shitty reality tv with me and letting me pick songs in the car despite our very different music tastes. I want to thank you for all of the hugs you have offered me to squeeze out the sadness and the pep talks you've given when I've doubted myself.
Most of all, I want to thank you for existing. For coming into my life and being my partner. For being my best friend in the entire world. I didn't want to wait until your birthday or our anniversary to tell you how much you mean to me (hint: it's a lot).
Even after all this time, I still get butterflies when you smile at me. I still feel as light as air when you press your lips against mine. My thoughts are constantly filled by you, and it always pulls me through the tougher days. You pull me through.

I hope you realise just how much I care about you even if sometimes I keep my heart guarded. I never thought it was possible to have this much love for someone, and I didn't know my heart could handle it.

No matter what happens in our lives, you, Fern, will forever have a place in my heart. A place in my life. A place in me. You will forever be my love.
— G xo

Every single time I read that letter I want to run straight back into his arms. I never deserved him, and I never will again. I miss him, I really do, but I can't go back. I ruined our everything. I ruined him. I ruined us.

I get back in my beat up car and I drive. I don't know where I'm going, I just drive. I want to stay but instead I've chosen to be lonely. The words he wrote echo over everything I've ever known.

I start to lose focus of the road but an ear piercing horn blasts at me. Slamming on the brakes I am caught by my seat-belt, like a friend in the unknown. I pull over onto a patch of gravel and sit on the ground.

Shock and regret. These two feelings travel around my body drifting through my veins faster than I would like and they take over my body. I try to hold myself back from crying but I can't. Quivering, I pull out his letter. That last paragraph always pushes me over the edge.
"No matter what happens in our lives, you, Fern, will forever have a place in my heart. A place in my life. A place in me. You will forever be my love."
Its a souvenir of the love that I keep locked away in my memories.

I try to look forward, I need to move on. I left him. It was my choice and I have live with that. I look ahead, high up on the past that I had. The past we shared.

Staring at the letter brings up something inside of me. An urge. An urgent to write him a letter. I tear out a piece of paper from my not book and begin to scribble down a whirlwind of emotion that is tumbling inside of me.

gray,
i'm sorry.
this is probably the last thing you want to read, but i mean it. i'm sorry for leaving the way i did. i'm sorry for hurting you. i never wanted to be the reason for your hurt, i was supposed to be the one to help you through it not be the source.

not seeing you has been slowly driving me insane. maybe i shouldn't be telling you this, maybe this is my worst idea ever, but i can't get you off my mind. i've tried and tried to get over you. but that's the thing... i can't get over you, i don't want to.

i never wanted to break up with you. i hate being apart from you. sometimes i call you just to hear your voice even if it isn't really you speaking to me. every single night i read your letter, feeling the same waves of emotion as i did the first time.

i'm sorry for leaving. i don't know what i was thinking when i said those things to you. i never wanted this to happen.

i wanted to move in together, get married. i wanted to cook breakfast with you in the mornings and fall asleep in your arms in the evenings. i wanted to see what you looked like with grey hair and see what our kids would look like with your eyes.i had so much more planned for us and i'm sorry i ended our story early.

i understand if you don't want to forgive me. but i just want you to know that i love you. i always have.
— fern ♡

I hop in my car and search for an envelope. I hold the letter in my hand and drive back into town. I scan the streets for a post box, I'd have to send it I don't think he wants to see me. I find the mailbox and open the flap. Hesitation. I don't put it in.

"Screw it!" I get back into my car and drive. This time I know where to. I'm driving to him.

I reach his door, I knock softly. I start to panic wondering if this is the right thing to do. Oh well, it's too late now. I hear someone fumbling with the lock. The door handle twists and the heavy door opens slowly to reveal a dishevelled Grayson. He looks exhausted.

"Fern?" he sounds almost distressed. I stretch out my arm with the letter before he can say anything more.

"I'm sorry, I never wanted it to be like this." I don't look up at him scared of what he will do or say, and so I begin to twiddle my feet. My red converse stepping on top of one another.

I muster up the courage to look up at him. He's reading the letter, a frail smile making itself known for fraction of time only to be replaced by confusion. He looks up at me and nothing leaves his mouth. He is expressionless.

"I'm sorry, I'll go." I start to walk away, only to be stopped by the firm grip of a warm hand.

"Fern, wait." He pauses and I turn back around to face him and he lets go of my wrist.

"Why did you do this?"