There's those moments, when the world seems small, and the hope feels even smaller. Where every inch of your heart, is covered with pain and guilt. All those tiny pieces were your soul felt vacient. Those spaces that you thought would never be filled with love and the misery in your life will continue on. You hope and pray for that pain to vanish, to go away and never come back. Where the pain dosn't let you enjoy life, or let you charish the small moments in life. Those moments where the pain is so strong, you think the only way out is death. You are nothing and are just waiting to die. So much hurt. When i was a child i was so hopeful. That one day my dead parents would walk in the door and take me with them to the beach and we would have endless happiness. I would look up at night to the moon and pretend I had it in my hands and it was my hope. I would hold it in my hands and say that I was so strong, I even stood up to all the bullies who bullied me. But as time passed on i understood that hope isn't real, the hope is only within me. After my grandma passed i moved in with my aunt and uncle . My sister lived with us, after she left mt uncle died a few years later. My aunt made me get a job for i can help her pay with asprin for her. She treat me like shit and my uncle used to hit me. But in the last minute I gave up on waiting for hope to come or looking for Hope, hope found me.
I'm Bayzle Adams, and this is when i found Hope.
Finding Hope.
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Sweating palms, deep breaths, and Loud heart beats. "I can do this." I repeat to myself holding the murderer in the palm of my bare hands surrounding it by my fingers for it to not hop out. Once i realized i couldn't do this anymore i decided to take this action. "We'll be right back sweety." Mental madness words repeat in my oh-so-hurt-mind like a stupid catchy song on replay.
Look at yourself, your nothing but pure shit. No wonder your parents never came back for you, you murderer.
As I shamfully hate to face it to myself, i'm a killer.
Taking my own life is murder. But also called suicide. Right now I'm in the bathroom holding a cross on my left hand and holding a handfull of asprin pills on the other. My breaths get louder and louder by the seconds. I'm giving it full power to kill me, to take me where i need to go. Which is not here. I'm giving it full power to get rid of me, to let my last breath of soul fly off to wear it belongs. I can't take this anymore.
My tears rush down my cheeks and patter on the floor like rain. Every tear stands for what i've been threw, for the pain i've, felt. It's selfish to stay here and only talk about what I've been threw. So i'd rather show you.
I swoop my right hand and chugg down all the pills. I feel them crawl down my throat and slowly dissapear inside me. It's only a matter of minutes before I go.
My tears keep falling making a river of sarrow. No hope is left within me, I choose to have a death today, then the worst tomarrow. I can no longer be in this world where i was delivered in. You know how they always say,"If god brought you to the world, you have a mission. Every single one of us does." Well i don't, i don't seek for a mission. All i want is peace. Im also dearly sorry to my father Aaron, I've failed him in being the strong girl I promised him I would be. I've failed...I'm a fucking failure.
A tear slipps it's was out my eye and lands on my chest. I flip my hair back. This stands for my only happy memory. "Memory." I pry out of me. Before I know it my chest is rapidly moving up and down taking in hard breaths and leting out my air. I land on my face and thump hard on the ground. Everything around me is blurry and I can't wait for the moment to come faster. Sweat falls of my forhead and breathing is becoming a task i can no longer do.
My stomach and head hurt like i've just been crushed by a bolder. Everthing within me feels as if its burning in flames and the pain is unexplainably hurtful. I rock my head side to side but i can't see a thing but blurry objects.
I hear foot steps coming tothe bathroom but luckily the door is locked. "Bayzle?" I hear kyle's voice echo. "Ky--Ky--Kyle." I can bearly say. My breaths minimize and i can't move my head, my heart feels to stop but instead i start shaking like im cold. But the rest of my body dissagrees by sweating. "Ky-Kyle." I try to say louder. I take the cross in my hands and kiss it before closing my eyes.
My time is coming. "I love you mommy." no.."I love you mommy." no..no...."Mommy." "NO!!" I shout. "Bayzle?!?! Open the door."
I try to get up but i can't. No stength is left in me, everything is weak. Maybe you don't care about me leaving, but i promise you, someone out there is taking there life like i am today. So keep an open mind that not everybody has a happy ending, and if you did be grateful and live a happy life. Today...Bayzle Marie Adams dies. So i hope you didn't and never would go threw what i've been threw. Overdose.
Unwanted, Miss understood, not enough. I reopen my eyes and everything is still a big blurr. But what i can bearly see is the door swing open and kyle, my aunt, are shooting in. "Bayzle!!" Kyle shouts bending down to see me. "Im sorry, I was----was a mistake." "No please don't do this to me!"Kyle's eyes get red with tears. Everything around me was spinning and i lastly saw Kyle in big blurr. My chest stopps. My breaths is no longer heard, the pain and the moving all over my body stops. My lids shut tight. You can let go..
You can let go
You can let go.
No more pain, no more misery, peace is waiting beond me.
I saw an incoming light, shinning so bright, so beautifully. White as snow, delicate as porclin.
"Bayzle?" ....."Mom...Dad"
Bye world. Then i realized, I didn't want to die..
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