Reaching Peace

Part 4: Wishing For Amnesia.

I was thirteen years old, brushing my hair ready to go out. Looking closer, I could see that I was wearing my favourite green t shirt. Seeing the top made me understand.

“Ava, can you turn it off?” I asked.

“Sorry, Ree, but we have to watch this.” She replied, patting my knee.

“No, Ava, please turn it off.” I pleaded, starting to feel dizzy

“We have to watch them all; otherwise you’ll never be able to move on.” Ava smiled. She had no idea what the memory was doing to me.

“Turn it off!” I shouted, angry that she wouldn’t do as I asked. Ava seemed shocked by my outburst and shut off the screen.

I slid from the chair to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest. With my head between my knees, I could breathe evenly again.

“Ree, what’s wrong?”

“I can’t watch that. I’m sorry, Ava, but I can’t. I’ve tried so hard to shut that memory out, I can’t just let it back in because you want me to.” Bile rose up into my mouth and I had to swallow it back down. The disgustingly bitter taste made my eyes water.

“Alright, you don’t have to watch it. But you do need to tell me what happened.” Ava tried to soothe me. She didn’t know what it was doing to me. I couldn’t let him get back inside my head.

“I can’t let him back in, Ava…” my voice was shaking in what I thought was anger.

“Let who in, Ree? Who are you keeping out?”

“His name is Garrett.” I whispered, barely able to speak his name, “He’s my mother’s boyfriend.”

“What did he do to you?”

“He did what Craig was going to do if I hadn’t stopped it. Garrett raped me. It’s how I recognized what Craig was doing. It was so familiar that I could almost smell it on his skin. I could feel the anger and desire like it was rolling off him in waves.” Then I realized what I could hear in my own voice. It wasn’t anger; it was fear.

“It’s alright. They can’t hurt you now. You’re safe.” Ava was rubbing my back while I tried to make the room stop spinning.

Suddenly, my vision was tinted red. I could taste rage on my tongue. My shaking hands were instantly steady and I rose back up to sit in the chair.

“Ava, push play.” The sudden rush I felt was incredible. I felt like I could handle anything. Like Ava said, I was safe. He couldn’t hurt me anymore.

     I was sat on my bedroom floor in front of the mirror. It was back when we lived in Vegas. My room was tiny and painted purple, my favourite colour when I was thirteen.

Garrett knocked on my bedroom door and barged in before I could say a word. He and my mom had been dating for a few months and he had just moved in.

“Ree, are you planning to go out tonight?” He had the most sickening smirk on his face, like he had something over me.

“Yeah. Why?” I was wary of him. There was something about Garrett that made me uncomfortable.

“I just don’t remember you ever asking me.”

“What are you talking about? I asked mom, why would I ask you? You’re not my dad.” I couldn’t believe what he was trying to pull.

“I’m the man of this house now, Ree. From now on, you ask me and not your mom.” He seemed angry, but he had no right to be. I rose and took my usual hands on hips position.