Maybe you need me....

Chapter fifteen

I'd stayed on the balcony and looked out at the night sky, while Martha's words swirled in my head. I really didn't know if I could get myself to tell Marshall how I felt about him, in the end I probably was as afraid as he was to get hurt. But what would I have to lose? Besides my dignity....

But that's a hell lot!

I would still leave in 5 days and if he wouldn't admit his feelings to me, I could check him off, get over the heartbreak and move on with my life.

Lets do this, Christina!

I stood to my feet, ruffled through my hair and then walked back inside, only to be met with Marshall. I hadn't heard him coming in nor when, but he was here, sitting on my bed and looking at me.

„Hey..." I let out under a breath and he stood up and closed the space between us.

„I thought you wan'ed to sleep?"

„Obviously I decided against it." I said back and cautiously he placed his hands on my waist and pulled me close to his chest.

„You gone tell me what's goin' on?"

If you have to ask, something is clearly wrong with you!!

„I don't know..." I sighed and he kissed me.

„I bet you do!" He challenged and I shook my head.

„Marshall, I....." I cutted myself off before I could tell him how I felt about him, something inside told me it wasn't right. „I really want to go to bed now." I said instead and he sighed.

„Chris...."

„Please?!" I tried again and he nodded hesitant, but pressed a kiss on my cheek before he released me out of his arms.

„Just to let you know, I'm sorry..." He said when he had turned away and had walked to the door to open it.

„For what?"

Come on Marshall, say something right, give me a chance to make a move....

„For bein' me!"

With that he walked out and closed the door behind him while my eyes instantly clouded with tears. Why couldn't I jump over my fear and just tell him that I was in love with him?! Why couldn't I turn off that voice in my head which told me constantly to not be weak?! All this, but mostly what he'd just apologized for, came now crashing down on me. In some way Marshall and I were maybe too similar; in this fucked up way about opening up to something good, someone who has worth it and that's why we were the ones ending up getting hurt. But I couldn't break out of it, at least not if Marshall wouldn't make one tiny step towards me.
I know it wasn't fair to wait for what he would do and also that Martha was right, but what if he changed his mind? What if he would get tired of waiting for me? What if he found out that my job was a deal breaker in the end?

God damn, stop stressing!!!! You always got what you wanted, work on yourself and get it!!

I decided to lay down and rest, because I knew I wasn't able to sleep since my mind was racing. Tomorrow Marshall would have to work again and I wanted to at least look decent when I went to the studio with him.

As expected, I couldn't get much sleep, in the end it was about 1 hour of it and now I stood in my bathroom and tried hard to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. I would've never thought that falling in love with someone could be so draining.

Then get your shit together!

I huffed out, annoyed about my own damn thoughts and applied mascara on my eyelashes, hoping somehow that I'd get that sparkling back to my eyes. I was sad, drained, kind of exhausted and I could clearly see it at my eyes.