Deserving of More

Chapter 14: Forty-One Trips Around the Sun

I watch Grace and Minerva send messages back and forth. I hate that Minerva relates to how I feel about my mother. She deserves better than that. We both do.

My mother. Choosing now to proclaim that she loves me. That she thinks I'm amazing. Where was any of that while I was alive and present? The way she treated me... she made me feel like nothing. Less than nothing. And now she acts like I'm her everything. Much like Adria and Veronica.

It all makes me so angry. All these humans. So hurtful. Lying. Disrespectful. And their empty words. None of it matters now. If they wanted amends, they should've acted sooner. Even then, I don't know if they deserve forgiveness.

Hurting someone by accident is one thing. But purposeful, repeated, malicious acts and words? Those are different. There is no real remorse for that. Feigned guilt, perhaps. Veiled attempts to bring me back to them. To their abuse. Imprisonment. To feed me their poison once more. My refusals and ability to stand up for myself only made them all bitter. I want no part of anyone whose love isn't genuine.

And as for Veronica, not even that mattered to her. It probably still doesn't. Seeing as how she was the one who brought Cecilia back into my life. Into the fold of my family. Exposing my children to her. Her visits making me uncomfortable. Veronica knew how I felt, but either didn't care, or set out to hurt me on purpose.

I brought my attention back to Grace, typing away to Minerva about Cecilia and her crimes against me. It made me think about my birthday. My last birthday.

I should say "our birthday", because Grace and I have the same birthday. Different years, but the same date. Funny, huh? Like we connected from the start. Destined to be.

I remember the day quite vividly.

I had stayed in bed for most of the day. A luxury. More than you'd imagine. I needed it, though. Of course, Veronica was upset about it. Towards the end, she seemed to be upset about everything. Merely my existence set her off. Always picking at me. I endured it for the kingdom, and for my kids.

My kids. I was out of bed that day by the time they got home from school. They were so excited to share cake with me. So was I. My sweet babies. So full of laughter, love, and light. I hope they got that from me. Thinking about them that day makes me smile before I even realize that I am doing it. I love them so much. I hope days like that one are what they remember about me.

Of course, those moments of joy were cut short. When my mother arrived. At Veronica's behest. Neither of them could give me one day. A day that, in theory, should have been mine and what I wanted. I was hurt. And angry. And whatever other emotions tightened my chest.

In some other time, I would've stayed. For the sake of everyone else involved. Put on a brave, if falsely cheerful, front. Been a part of Veronica's pretty picture that she was painting. But towards the end, I was different. Grace made me different. Stronger. Empowered. Happy. So I stood up to this trespass against me. I left. My own birthday celebration. And I am not sorry. Some lessons must be learned the hard way.

I went to Grace. She was all I wanted in that moment of choice. My phone went off the entire way to her house. I didn't even bother to look. I knew who was calling. What the messages would say. None of it mattered. For once, I was going to matter.

I remember throwing myself onto the bed beside Grace, and both of us gathering the other in an embrace. She looked at my face, and knew instantly that something wasn't right.

"What's wrong, love?" she asked, her eyes looking into mine.

"I don't want to talk about it," I told her. Which was true. I wanted to forget and just be in this moment with her. I drew my thumb over her delicate cheekbone before leaning in and kissing her. It was like oxygen, and I was home.

Her face was so full of light when the kiss broke.

"Stay here!" she commanded, her voice laced with excitement, "I have cupcakes downstairs! I'll bring them up!" She slipped off the bed and disappeared downstairs. Once again, I caught myself smiling subconsciously. I sighed. In relief and in gratitude. How wonderful to be understood. And loved. For exactly who and what you are. Without ulterior motives.

Grace reappeared, carrying a plate of colorful cupcakes. I couldn't help but giggle from joy. My two favorite things, together. She sat beside me, placing the plate between us. We each chose one and sang "Happy Birthday" to each other. It was her birthday, too, after all. She came back with frosting on her nose after taking a bite, which was far too adorable. I kissed it off and we both broke into giggles.

I find myself giggling at the memory when I look over at Grace. She's telling Minerva about the same exact birthday I'd just reminisced. Though she is telling Minerva about it more to explain Cecilia, than to relive a memory. Minerva replies with a broken heart icon; expressing sympathy and understanding for my former plight, as she relates to being hurt on purpose by those who are supposed to love her. I sigh, as does Grace. I get closer to her, wrapping my arms around her as she types. She closes her eyes for a moment, absorbing the familiar sensation of my touch.

"I miss you," she says softly. That particular set of words always hurts, no matter who says them to me. But they hurt the most when she says them. I kiss her temple and I watch her take a slow breath. "I hope you don't mind me telling Minerva this stuff." I kiss her cheek this time as a reply.

"Not at all," I whisper near her ear, "She wants the truth, and she should have it. One day, she'll put it to good use."

Grace's skin breaks out in a chill and I know she hears me. My hand brushes her cheek as it always does before I kiss her and she inhales sharply before I do.

As always, I am home.