How I Completely Ruined the World and Had To Fix It (*Short Story)

Story (part 1)

If you're here for love, you're in the wrong place. If you're hear to adopt a puppy, you made a wrong turn. If you're here to reclaim your loved one from the underworld... sorry to say, I haven't done that in many, many years.

Who am I, you ask? Take a look. Red skin, black hair, tiny horns...

Yeah, I'm that person.

Welcome to the underworld, mortal.

What brings you here?

YOU ACCIDENTALLY WENT THROUGH A PORTAL IN A SEWER? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? What was I thinking, putting a portal in some sewer, that leads straight to my front lawn?

Oh, well, guess you're here. Might as well let you in, offer you a seat—the travel here is pretty strenuous on a mortal body, I've been told.

Yeah, you can sit on that couch. Sorry about the crumbs, I just ate a snack, and wasn't expecting company.

... You want to know what that fishbowl is? Honestly... It's a long story.

A long, long story, that I don't want to tell you.

I said I didn't want to tell it to you!

No!

Don't make those puppy eyes at me! I hate puppies! Well, more I hate the love surrounding puppies, the actual—

You'll sell your soul?

For a story?

What if I told you it was a present from my mother?

Yeah. Didn't think you'd believe that. My mother wasn't really the gifting type.

Oh, we're back to the selling of the souls. You know you're being hasty. You should really act with caut—

Oh, who am I kidding, trying to convince you out of this, I'm the freaking devil! Gimme that soul!

Ahem. Thank you.

Alright. Where to begin?

It was the worst of times, definitely the worst of times. I'd been traveling the world, spreading hate—

Do you need a pillow? You look uncomfortable. Blanket? Heating pad? Hot ember from the back patio? No?

Alrighty then.

I'd made it so everyone hated each other—ethnic group against ethnic group, sexuality against sexuality, religion against religion—and if you didn't hate someone who wasn't like you, you hated the people who hated everyone else. It was a glorious circle of hate. But... it wasn't enough for me. No, no—I wanted more, so much more, out of everything. Just watching humans point sticks at each other, year after year, got extremely tiring. I needed a spice of excitement. A pinch more of chaos.

So I blew up a government building in India.

That curbed my desire for all of five minutes, before I was right back, wanting more and more and MORE. It was like when you want to eat but everything in the dimension you're in will either kill you or bind you to that dimension forever, where you will spend all your days serving an immortal being or receiving torment—

I'm going off on a tangent again. I apologize—not. I never apologize. Yeah, I know, did it again, I'M GETTING TO THE STORY! STOP BEING A PEST AND—

Anyway, hate everywhere, I wasn't happy, blah, blah, blah, I came up with a plan. What if I found somebody and fulfilled their darkest desires? Their sinful wishes? Of course, it couldn't be just anyone- it had to be the perfect person. One who would respond willingly to my demands, one who would have deep, dark desires and a destructive soul, one who had no morality once they were corrupted, one who wouldn't blab about me on the internet—actually, that last one was the deciding factor. I searched high and low, like a director finding his perfect movie cast—on that note, I thought about a director, but ultimately decided he would not be my little experiment. Instead, he had the brilliant idea of a ten-movie series all about Cinderella's love life, plus a spin-off trilogy would be all about the mice.