Recovery

What happend

Hey!

So here's the deal: I've NEVER loved myself. As far as I remember. Which is pretty sad, because I am turning 17 this year.
I would never be proud of myself, like myself or feel good in what and who I am.
I can remember standing in the ballet dancing room, looking in the mirror, always comparing myself to the other dancers. I was always, wider and "bigger". I always ate more than others, but I was also always a bit more creative and active than others.
I was never the kind of kid, who would just sit at home all day doing nothing. I could always find something to do. Dance crazy through the room, have a selfie marathon, walk the dog, draw or sing. I was not once bored. But I was never good to myself.
I can remember being little and I would lay in my bed at night and would start crying. I would cry about myself and potty myself for being what I am. I would get out of my bed and lay down on the ground, without a pillow or a blanket, because I told myself I don't deserve anything better than that.
And things got worse:
When I got into 5th grade, my "friends" suddenly turned away from me and started talking about me and would tell me, that I am not welcome. Other classmates would tell me the same and boys would use me as a joke to tell each other "haha you have a crush on her". I was what everyone was laughing about.
Stupid people who had no idea about my situation would make it worse by making things up and create rumours about me.
But I shouldn't still be mad at those people, because honestly, who knows what you're doing when you're in 5th and 6th grade. NO ONE, right?
We are all still kids and don't get the concept of consequences, but guess what: I still have nightmares about that one girl in particular who made everything worse. I'd have really bad thought during that time about my life.
Luckily my mom got me out of that school and I went to another school. For a while things where fine, except of my grades. Then the topic of models and eating got pretty big in my grade and every girl basically stopped eating, including me. I had gotten a fitness tracker of my grandma, so I could track my steps, my calorie intake and usage. I was starting to just focus on food. It got worse and worse and at some point I was just the tiny number on my wrist. I literally almost killed me. My heart rate would go down so much, that my body wouldn't even let me sleep, because my body was afraid, that I wouldn't wake up anymore.
Food was torture. Social beings were torture. Life was torture. I isolated myself to the extrem. I would refuse to eat with my family. My life would just be exercising and going shopping for food. It had became an obsession. It had gotten out of control.
One of my friend had gone so far, that they had her sent to a clinic to recover. My parents were so close to doing that to, but somehow I could find myself up again.

I realised, that life is so much more than food and that we are only for a limited time on this planet and we should make the best out of it.

Well but then: I decided to go on an exchange year. So I went of into my adventure! My first family though was everything else than good for me though. My host mother would neglect me, would tell me what and when to eat, would make me do her chores. She made me feel like i was worth nothing. She'd make me cry and tell me I am too young for this exchange and that I should go back. She really pushed me to my limits. So the entire thing started all over again.
Depressions.
Self-doubt.
Eating disorder.

It was like everything that I've learned was deleted. I was just as stupid as before. And I had lost my period again!

I told my family about that and they did all the world and shifted me to another family.
They are great!
But!
What a surprise!
Another issue.
My new host mother is OBSESSED with food, calories, fat, nutrition, and dieting.
So when I first got here I still had the patterns from my old host family.
My body needed more though and so I started binging in time. And she would see that.
So she started making comments about that.
EXACTLY what I need!
She'd say: "Oh, you're still eating?!"
She'd fill up my plate even more, even though I told her I am full and say: " No! You can do this, you always eat a lot"
Making comments over the entire day.
She's the kind of person who just buys low calorie food and low or no fat. Which is nothing bad, because like that you can eat more, without worrying, but she doesn't. She eats even less!
She's having every day for lunch a 80 calories yogurt with fruit. That's it! So she made me feel guilty about myself, if I'd eat something "real".
It kept going on and still keeps going on.

I am somewhere in between an eating disorder of eating too little or too much, having depressions and miss learned how to socialise.
And in all that fun the stupidity of guys comes in!

Keep up, if you want to hear more drama, thoughts, recovery help, or discussions that I have with myself.

If you are suffering too, please text me, I love to talk to people who feel the same way as I do! I believe in hope and that we can help each other!

This is my story so far...to be continued