The music started and we all got up. She left without inviting me so I thought maybe she doesn't want me to dance with her right now. But a few minutes later everyone was on the dance floor and nobody had invited me to come with them. I knew I was being stubborn and idiotic and taking this way to personally but I couldn't get past the feeling of numbness and death; wanting death. Nobody wanted me. I thought someone might come back to invite me to dance but no one did. Finally people started to wonder where I was. It was to late. My mind told me to go dance...it told me I'd regret it if I didn't go...they want you to dance with them it said. But it also said "They hate you! Stay where you are you weak little wimp!" I couldn't do it. The voice in my head won that night. I spent more time in the bathroom crying and wanting to die than in the ballroom. Hours I spent locked up in a stall. People asked me to dance. I wanted to. I couldn't. When people asked why I wouldn't go, I was too embarrassed to tell them the truth. At one point in the night my dance teacher (a second mother to me) came up to me and said I would've had to do the hardest dance in our style of dance 6 times if I didn't go out and have some fun...I told her I would do the dances. She was super worried. She had tried threatening me. It didn't work. She tried physically dragging me onto the floor. I'm strong. I fought back. She didn't want to draw attention so she let go. When I wasn't in the bathroom crying off my mascara I was organizing candy boxes and bracelets I found on a table in the ballroom. It was fairly amusing for me honestly. It was also an excuse not to dance. Eventually The Queen (we call her that because she's in charge of everyone) came up to me and said very sincerely "Sweetie, you can organize bracelets later...you can't dance with your friends later". I still couldn't force myself to dance. I didn't understand. My dance teacher got so worried at that point she phoned my mom. I told her I was fine and just tired. It was the excuse I had been using all night to avoid dancing. Towards midnight I finally couldn't take anything anymore. I was completely torn down. The demons' voices were so loud. I had a headache and I wanted to sleep. I went upstairs to my hotel room which I was sharing with 3 dance mates and my dance teacher. Once I was upstairs, one on my dance mates asked what was wrong with me. I was so tired and upset that when I responded I sounded grumpy. I didn't mean to...but I did. I told her I was fine. A different dance mate told me I was being stubborn for acting the way I was. I tried not to act like that. I swear it wasn't my fault. It was my head. The demons. I tried to recover over night. It didn't work.
The demons still won't leave me alone. I'm dying. It's okay though. I've gotten this far. Im still fighting but I don't think I will anymore.
I'm too tired. I'm too tired. I'm too tired...
please...just...I think I go...okay?
