The World Without Power

Understanding Life

July 29, 2251

I think the whole meaning of life is to love and lose the ones who you care about. And that life may get hard you may have bad times. No matter what don't give up and never forget but remember sometimes to forgive. Life may get hard but no matter what you do you're going to be hurt one of those times and never fall in love until you know that they love you and care about you and not just them self. And some broken people just can't be fixed. Life gets hard and sometimes there is nothing left to do but walk away. But some are worth the fight and some you can't let go of... its better off that you let them go or otherwise risking hurting yourself in the process. Sometimes it takes a lot of talking to fix a relationship and a lot of effort. I think it takes time and a lot of commitment for you and the other person for the relationship to be successful and life is hard. Sometimes they may have left you many times but you keep coming back in hope of going back to the way things were. Not always will that work even if you want him/her back they might never come back. Most of all if you make a promise to never give up on trying to be with them sometimes you have to break that promise to let them go. I never gave up on someone in my life that I wanted to be with and I never gave up on them. No matter what they do I am not giving up and i'll never give up on them. Now I realize life is not what most think it is and that sometimes your other may lie and mistreat you but if they realize how it hurts you they think of it and rethink what they did to you and they might really love you but until they realize it then they will continue hurting you and if you can show them their mistake they might change. Look all I can tell you is don't make the mistakes I and others did to care so much without knowing whether the other cares about you my boyfriend left me for another girl after I wrote the last part and I've been really depressed and all I can do is forgive him I can't do anything to ask for him back because he might leave me again. He treated me so well but then he left and after that we where friends but it never really lasted I made a mistake I told this guy I liked him but I was playing a game with my ex boyfriend and the guy's Protective Friend yelled at my ex and me while we where having fun alone with each other without a care but then she yelled at me and now he's mad at me. He left me because he thinks I'm still like I was but how can I forget about someone like him he's so perfect and the guy is like me but not as much as my ex is to me. But I don't know what to do with him he's single now and I still care about him but what do I do? Repeat exactly my mom's mistakes and maybe get him back? Ok so I've been away for a long time but he did talk to me and he said he had still liked me and he had cried when we both broke apart as friends but I'm here now for him and I don't care what he says about it anymore I love him but it's hard to tell him after so long without knowing what love is and so long without loving him it's hard to tell what love is anymore is it pain in your heart is it the emptiness is it just the hurting in your heart aching for that person. Still wanting to buy them stuff. Even after you don't know if they care anymore. What can I do anymore to help him? I love him so much but I don't know what to do he feels long gone but some of his posts on social media here sound like he still cares. Posts such as: "Why can't I forget you?" "I miss you so much." All I can do is hope he still cares about me I am addicted to him as much as I hope he is me. I just don't know what to think. I still love him and care but he doesn't want me, does he? I need to ask him tonight and I hope I can build enough courage to ask him. I don't know how I'll do it but I know I'll do it somehow. I still think it will be hard to build enough courage to tell him I still love him. I talked with him he asked me why I never showed him I cared like I used to and it was because I was caught up in being with him and didn't realize his needs. I just wish could be with him but it turns out he was born 3 years ahead of me but it's also the fact if I stay with him in one year I'd have to break up with him. It's illegal to be with someone over 18 as anyone under 18 here can get arrested for it. I just don't know he was lead on by this one girl and she got with another guy when he was going to ask her out and he was about to think of killing himself he was going to kill himself. I told him if he does that i'll never forgive myself for his death that I couldn't Save him and he ended the call on our video chat right when I was about to talk to him again and I tried calling. He never answers when I call is it just because we hurt each other leaving and my feelings for him started fading and I know I still love him but how can I feel if I don't know what feelings are. How am I supposed to show I love him without the feeling of love toward him. I want him and only him but how do I fix my life and his at the same time? How do I show him I care. I Tried to move on but I feel nothing without him around. Like I feel different when he's around it's just when I think of him. I have feelings when with him. I have feelings I can feel. I feel free around him I feel honest I feel different I just feel I'm not myself around him. I'm just tired of all the stupidity that goes on around me and all the stupid people that don't think. Of all the things that go on around me and I just don't care I care about him and my new boyfriend but what am I supposed to do anymore I feel like I'm in a repeating loop. All I can do is watch him slowly break and fall apart I told him I want to be with him but I don't know if he will forgive me. Will he let me back with him? That's why I am with my amazing boyfriend but what can I do, until my ex tells me he wants me? Only me because I totally wish to be with him but if he doesn't want me what can I do? What do I have to do to make him happy? What things must I do for him?

July,30,2251

It's been weeks since I've talked to him I'm starting to worry about him about where he is I'm stressing myself out. I just keep having so many thoughts running through my mind. Might he still be dead is he still alive? Does his family know if he's ok, what happened to him? But I can't tell anymore if he's dead I can't tell. I'll never be able to tell. Will I ever know what happened to him?

July,2251

I've lost track of time I feel like time has just stopped. But the world has not stopped. I've stopped but the world won't not for me not for anyone. I just don't know what to feel anymore. Can I stop it,can the pain and the worries go away? Will the pain ever go away? I feel like the world is dying and I am dying with it. I want him to come back, for him to come back and all the pain to go away forever.

August,1,2251

This is not right it's not real this isn't happening not to me not to everything I know. I heard from his mother he killed himself. After everything I did for him this is how he repays me? After all the tears I shed for this? I feel like I'm going to die. I can't believe that he would do that to me after all of the things I did. Why does this turn out like this why does my life always end up like this? Why do I always suffer from pain because of the mistakes I make. I suffer because of the little things that hurt me.

August,2,2251

I found out when his funeral is so I can see him one last time. I know it pains me to think about it but I'll miss him so very much and my life won't be the same without him. Its truely been a bad day for me I might be able to write more tomorrow.

August,3,2251

It feels like its been years since I saw him I wish I could have done something and I will continue to blame myself for his death. I am handing this over to my sister hopefully she can forgive me for what I am going to do please forgive me.

August,15,2251

My sister decided that she didn't like living without him... She couldn't take the pain it had endured on her. She took her life for him and I can't believe she would do such a thing. She told me they promised forever but I guess forever wasn't enough to keep them alive or to keep them from hurting each other or themselves for the other. I guess it goes to show they loved each other but couldn't take the pain of being away from each other even if it meant for eternity. They hadn't thought of how much pain it would be for the other if they passed or that the other would live in honor of them and fulfill what the other would have wanted.

August,16,2251. 001 HOURS

The people in our walls have been fake mourning over the loss of my sister yet no one showed to his funeral except her and I. At least he wasn't buried alone and forgotten neither will she throughout my life I want to make my sister proud by doing what she could not. I wish it hadn't been such a sad event and that it hadn't happened this way. I can't seem to fall asleep from it though and i'm getting really tired but every time I fall asleep I see her face in a dream and it wakes me up. It's just the fact I can't stop thinking about her about what she did about every little mistake I could have stopped from happening if I hadn't slept that night. About the fact she could have been still alive if I hadn't gone to bed that Day if I hadn't fallen asleep I knew there was something wrong with her she was crying but I didn't know what to do about it and she told me to leave her alone. But I shouldn't have left that room and went to sleep shouldn't have relaxed knowing nothing was ok with my sister. The fact of waking up with my sister lying there dead, blood stained in the carpet I can't get that out of my mind. That horrible thought out of my mind. The letter she wrote me, telling me to continue on living life how I should have with her as though nothing had happened but there will always be that one part of my life missing. That part she longed to still have the part we both lost when he died.

August,16,2251 006 hours

My life is like a book full of chapters some that could have been made and some that can't.

If she were here some of what he was would live on in her. But thats all gone now everything is gone now my life crumbled away beneath my feet as though nothing was there in the first place to hold me up. As though she was still alive and well as though she was still here but wouldn't do anything wouldn't show me how to do things. But thats how my life has been all my life full of drama, sadness death and loneliness. I'm ready to start a new chapter in this journal my small story that may affect others in the future.

To be continued...