Rant N' Rave

Broken.

//These are my feelings, not the facts of the situation//

So we've all been in a situation where we've felt left out, or like a third wheel. Sometimes it's with friends, and sometimes it's with friends that happen to be in a relationship. Sometimes it's all in your head, and sometimes it isn't. It may feel like suddenly that friend isn't concerned about you. While it may seem that way, it usually isn't true. I keep telling myself that, but it doesn't seem to make me feel much better.

I've got this friend who now has a boyfriend, and they've been together for awhile now. This friend and I were super close, and still are. It's just different now. I feel super selfish saying this, but it's like I'm no longer a priority. Maybe it's because I seem a lot better off than everyone else in the group, but the truth is, I'm not. There's a lot going on in my life right now that has me feeling more down and out than I have in a long time. Some of my other friends are worse off than me though, so I keep my mouth shut and talk them through their issues. I guess you could say I don't know how to take my own advice.

But it's been really shitty. I don't feel like we connect as best friends in the way we used to. Maybe we've drifted, or maybe it's just me being stupid. I've just noticed that I've been put on the back burner far too many times this year. First regarding my parents, with getting me therapy. Then a boyfriend, and then a crush. It's always something or someone else, never me. And maybe that's edgy or cringy for me to say, and maybe I belong on some depressed teen's tumblr page, but it's the truth.

I just miss feeling like I matter to people. I miss feeling like a best friend, not just a wing girl. I miss feeling like a daughter that matters, not just a hormonal mess that will eventually fix itself. It's an odd feeling, feeling so neglected, yet so able to fit in. I feel like an outsider, but also like an inner circle member all at the same time.

I know the person that this is regarding will read this, and I want them to know that the reason I had to express it here was because I feel so incredibly selfish and needy to tell them myself. I'm sorry for being this way, because I know you have enough broken, dramatic people to deal with already. I just can't act okay anymore.

I'm sorry.

-M