Will You See Me?

Panic

I look around the room, at Diana and Bianca. We share a look of concern. This is definitely not good. None of us can figure anything about why Joe left. It's been 3 WEEKS! That is the longest I've ever gone without knowing something and I'm starting to get random panic attacks. I know, it sounds completely unreasonable but I have a good reason. I have a fear of not knowing. A fear that when something happens, that I won't know about it and then it will affect me. It's horrid, scary and secret. No one knows about it. No one knows why I have the urge to know everything that is going on in their lives. But no one that I've told has ever understood it. They call it irrational and stupid but they don't understand why I have it. And neither will you. For it shall scar your judgemental minds into seeing me as something I am not. Not even my new roomies know about it. I always go to the bathroom if I start getting one and I hate it being secret but if we could just find out what Joe is doing wherever he is then no one needs to know.

3 weeks. 3 weeks. 3 weeks. What if he needs medical attention? What if it's my fault? What if he doesn't come home? My imagination is running wild. I don't now what happened to Joe or what is happening to him now and I'm in a new environment which doesn't help. It happens a bit when mum goes away but I've gotten used to mum returning so they're getting better but with Joe? In Gallagher? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I try to focus on the cover of my bed. The lamp. Ceiling fan. Anything to stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Schist. Diana and Bianca can hear me. They can see me. I need to get out of here. Somewhere that they won't find me. Somewhere nobody will. I excuse myself loudly, but its only to be heard over my heart, beating wild and frantic and so loud I'm scared they can hear it in Roseville. I find a passageway and follow it down until I am lost. Until no one will find me until I resurface, out of this drowning place of unknowing. I think of the look on Joe's face when he told us to get back in the van, when he only added "quickly and covertly" as an afterthought. When those people had said something that made him need to count all of heads immediately. Something is going on. Something big and bad and I don't know what. My breathing is fast, ragged, loud and painful. So painful. I can't get enough air to my lungs. I'm panicking. Breathing louder. I'm running. Running away. My knees buckle. Not enough oxygen. The floor comes rushing up to greet me and the pain in my head is greater than the pain in my chest before I blackout.

Whispers. Hushed voices. Panicked ones. Calm ones. Loud ones that get immediately shushed. The flipping of paper and worried voices. People taking notes with scratchy pens and pencils. And a solid beep behind it all. Where am I? I don't know where I am. I don't know. I hiss as the pain in my head increases as the beeping becomes faster. Where is the beeping coming from? I don't know. I need to sit up to open my eyes. Arms on my legs to keep them down. Why am I here? Where am I? Who is also here? What are they doing here? Where is that beeping coming from? I don't know. Faster beeping. I don't know. Faster beeping. I don't know. Voices. Louder. Louder. Faster beeping and my head is in so much pain. I groan and try to twist out of the arms. Where am I? Faster beeping. An unexplainably painful tightening in my chest. Fast breaths. Faster beeps.

Then I hear a yell. A screeching in my ears follows and a huge pain in my head. A few seconds later I can make out the words that they said; "Switch that heart monitor off! Can't you see it's driving her crazy?" The beeping stops and I allow myself to relax a little and try to remember what happened.

Oh. I remember. Joe Solomon. 3 weeks. I don't know. Panic attacks regularly. Head bash. Unconscious. This must be the infirmary and that was...

"Joe?" I did recognise that voice. It was Joe Solomon's voice. But-

"Yes, Miss Dray?" There it is again. I open my eyes and sure enough, there he is. The famous Joe Solomon. Not missing anymore.

"Where did you go?" His eyes harden and he replies in a flat tone.