Dear, Kitten

death. 💀👻

Dear, kitten

Are you afraid of dying?

I'm not. And to be totally honest I have died once and I plan on doing it again. But i don't consider it death or suicide because you can't kill something that was never alive in the first place, there are many ways to die. You can shoot yourself to get it over fast. You can overdose, hang your self, drown yourself, jump off of a building, or even just slit your own throat. The way I prefer is overdosing or drowning myself. If you were paying attention to what I write in this dumb diary for someone named kitten who does not live on earth, you would notice I said I died once, which is in fact true. I was having a really bad meltdown when my only friend in middle school left because I gave her the creeps, I saw she had a bottle of some sort of medication she was taking as she walked off. The next day I went up to her, took the pill bottle and opened it, poured a hand full of pills in my hand. I remember her screaming " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING CAMREN?!?!" I looked at her, straight in the eyes and said "I love you" and the lowest voice capable to the human ears. I took the pills in my hand and gulped them down.

I must've passed out because I woke up in a hospital bed with my mother crying, then, I thought I would see the light but, I saw nothing. No light, not even darkness. I heard not a single sound, I felt my body bumming very slowly, Then I was sent back from the nothingness I had experienced. I was back, I didn't want to be back, I wanted to leave, I wanted to leave forever and never feel the pain I now feel every second in life. I never feel happiness, sadness, or even anger, all I feel is pain, it's throbbing throughout my bones, but you wouldn't understand. When you hear the word pain you think about the time when we were three and you fell on the sidewalk and cut open your knee so bad you needed stitches, the pain I'm talking about is not physical, I can't explain it, all I can say is how much I miss you and how much I wish you were not at our school in Florida from the shooting, you were 17 just a senior there was one more trimester left for school.

Your dream was to become a rocket scientist but no one believed in you but me, you were the one who stood up for me when I needed it... You were my hero. Hey sis, do you remember when our stepdad was so drunk that he took out his butterfly knife? He was running towards me, but you took the house baseball bat and knocked him out, then u, always trying to make me laugh in rough times, you say " AND AFTER That OUTSTANDING HIT FROM KITTEN LESTER SHE GOT A HOOOOMMMMEEE RUNNNN!"

GOD, I MISS YOU!