This is war (Theo James)

10 ~ Is this what life feels like?

I was living in a war. Not only with pistols and physical abuse. Also a war inside my head, with words and thoughts and things that could happen. Mental abuse, harmed by no one but myself. Killing myself from the inside, changing the good into evil, doing everything wrong, nothing is ‘okay’ anymore. And I was doing it to myself.

And I hated it. I felt horrible. And I was doing it to myself.

I should feel great, happy, relieved, loved, full of energy. But it was the opposite. I felt horrible, sad, stressed, hated and all of the energy that I had left was sucked out of me.

And I hadn’t had anything to do with Theo or Shailene or Ansel. It hadn’t had anything to do with this house we were living in and going away wasn’t going to make everything alright. It had everything to do with myself, me, myself and I. Not anyone else, I did it, but I didn’t know how to make it right. I didn’t know how to turn it around.

Everything around me had a bad side, going to Europe had a bad side; what if they find us and kill us.

Loving Theo had a bad side; it was against the rules and someone was going to get hurt.

Just like leaving my house to go to the freaking woods, to have fun with my friends and thinking about myself, it all had consequence’s. my parents died, because of me. and that’s why, I probably shouldn’t think about myself so much, or talk about myself so much or talk about the things I like so much. Because where ever I go, whatever I touch and whatever I love, gets hurt. And I didn’t know what to do, I just simply didn’t know.

And I hated it. I felt horrible. And I was doing it to myself.

At night I woke up, sweating, my head pounding. I turned to one side, into Theo, but I could barely feel him. I touched his arm and tried to wake him up, but he was fast asleep. I turned back and pushed my legs off the bed onto the floor. I stood up, unsurely, and walked to the bathroom. I opened all the cabins but the supplies were all empty. There were robbers in the city, the stallholders barely had medicines or stuff left.

I suddenly felt really sad, a wave of insecurities and sadness washed over me. I tear escaped my eye and I could barely stand on my feet. I was dizzy, the world was turning in circles around me and I saw it moving upside down underneath me. before I knew it, my head touched the floor and the pounding became heavier.

“oh god, Amber! What happened” A female voice said, but I couldn’t answer. It felt like she was yelling at me, throwing me against the wall again and again and again. But she wasn’t, she was whispering and caressing my head. “I will go wake Theo up” Another person came insight and the girl left. this time it was a boy, he sat down next to me and pushed my wet hair out of my face.

Out of nothing, the food I ate the night before made its way up and I was fully awake. I sat up, but the boy tried to push me down. I sat up another time and pushed through him, to the toilet and vomited. I couldn’t stop until my stomach was empty and two strong hands grabbed my hair and held it back.

I thought it was over, but it wasn’t. Everything I had drunk, every littlest thing I had eaten, my body refused the keep.

More tears came and I was finally done vomiting, but the world hadn’t stop turning.

The girl wetted a cloth and cleaned my face, she also handed me a glass of water but I refused to take it. She took my hair and pulled it into a pony tail and held the cold cloth against my forehead, the boy took it over from her. He picked me up and laid me down on the couch.

“it’ll be okay, I promise” the boy said.

“what could possibly be wrong with her?”

“ever heard of a fever? Guys, seriously?”

“yes we have heard of that, what can we do to cure her?” the oh so familiar voice said.

“we need aspirin and vitamin C”

“okay, we’ll get that, you will have to stay her, make sure she drinks something, we’ll be back as soon as possible”

“I know what to do, Theo” their conversation was cut short as the door opened and closed and then the voices were all gone. Simple footsteps made their way to where I was, and the girl sat down on the table beside the couch.

“you’ll be okay, Theo and Ansel will be back really soon” and then everything went black.

**

“babe, wake up” A soft hand was caressing my cheek and a cold cloth was wetting my forehead. “we got your medicine”

I opened my eyes and I notice the world isn’t spinning anymore, everything is at its place.

“how are you feeling?” Theo was sitting in front of me with a class of water and aspirin.

“better” was the only thing I could say. I sat up a bit and swallowed the aspirin and drank the water. I laid back down on the couch and Theo held my hand.

“it was a hard job stealing these, luckily it’s night, so there weren’t any people” I still wasn’t sure about the stealing thing, it seemed cruel, but it was also the only way of surviving. The only thing we could do. “but I’d do everything for you”

“cheesy”

“I know” Theo leaned in and kissed my fore head. He then took me back to bed and laid down next to me, his hand touching my cheek, his head in the crook of my neck, soft breath tickling me. making me fall back asleep. 

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I'm so sorry but this is a short chapter.. i just haven't been feeling well lately, tired and stuff. So please show me you are still reading this by commenting and voting! ( 10TH CHAPTER BTW) 

btw, the song on the side hasn't got anything to do with the story or chapter, just love that song!

And dedicated to @SilverSoldiers for voting! also thanks to all the others who voted on all of my chapters, that just amazing! 

xxxx