The Human Psychiatry

Intentions

You don't make your intentions clear
This might sound obvious, but you might be in her friend zone because you’ve never indicated that you would like to be otherwise, says relationship expert Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. In fact, it’s possible that she doesn’t even know you want to be more than friends. According to Thomas, the key to staying out of the friend zone is to make your intentions clear, and to make sure all of your communication—verbal, non-verbal, written, etc.—is about what you want.

“Being direct doesn’t mean you have to say, ‘I want you to be my girlfriend,’ all at once, or all the time,” Thomas says. “But instead of saying ‘You’re welcome to come over,’ say, ‘I’d love it if you came over.’” You don’t want to pursue her so aggressively that she feels overwhelmed by your attention, but it should always be obvious that you are, in fact, pursuing her as more than just a friend. “Don’t say ‘Do you want to go to dinner,’” Thomas says. “Friends go to dinner. Say, ‘I’d like to take you out to dinner at this great Italian place I think you’ll like. Are you free Friday?’”

You let her vent about other guys
Life is not When Harry Met Sally. Unless you get really lucky—or you take action—she's not going to wake up one day and realize that all the guys she's been dating are assholes, and that her true love (you) has been hanging out in her living room all along. You might think you're just biding your time, but the longer you wait, and the more you get to know her in a friend-type way, the more you risk ending up in her friend zone for life, says Thomas.

It’s not your job to listen to her guy problems—she has girlfriends and guys who actually are just friends for that. “If you find yourself in the role of therapist thinking you’re going to get in her pants, you’re not only in the friend zone, you’re in the free therapy zone—and no woman wants to have sex with her therapist who knows all of her neuroses,” Thomas says. “Do not be the recipient of all her neuroses and mistake that for intimacy.”