The Human Psychiatry

Trying to Hard

You try too hard
You probably don’t think you’re trying too hard, especially if you’ve never even asked her out. But if you’re doing things for her that only a boyfriend would do—such as buying her things “just because,” or allowing her to engage you in mindless texting banter—guess what? You’ve been friend-zoned.

Here’s the tricky part: If she’s a serial friend-zoner, she’s already picked up on your extra effort, and she’ll give you just enough attention to make you feel like you’re actually getting somewhere with her. A serial friend-zoner is someone who likes the attention of a suitor without the responsibility of an actual relationship, says psychologist Alicia Clark, PsyD. “She’ll give you just enough reinforcement so you’ll continue to be available and supportive of her, but at the same time she’ll masterfully avoid sending you any indications that she’s romantically interested in you,” Clark says. “She is interested in you, and she wants you to stick around, she’s just not interested in dating you. A real friend would not do this.”

Both friendships and romantic relationships are reciprocal—a girl who likes you as a friend or as a potential romantic partner will do the same things for you that you do for her. “Don’t settle for less than you want or deserve in a relationship,” Thomas says. “Because if it’s one-sided, and you’re the only one participating, she won’t respect you and you’re dead in the water.”