Another day begins and all is the same. The blue alarm clock on my beside table rings at exactly 6:45 each morning to start my day. At 6:55 I walk down stairs to start breakfast with freshly brushed teeth. By 7:10 six slices of bacon lay in the oven on a foil wrapped cookie sheet while two pieces of white bread turn golden brown in the toaster.
Per usual, I find myself staring into the mirror, scrutinizing the blue eyed, blonde haired girl in front of me and she stares back, tiredly. I brush my hair, wash my face, and begin applying mascara, when April comes bouncing into the small bathroom.
"Good morning lettie!" She chirps while she digs through a bin of brightly colored hair bows.
"Good morning April" I mumble back to the expectant four year old.
Satisfied with my response, she steps onto the little wooden stool covered in tiny purple butterfly's as reaches out for her hello kitty toothbrush.
Our mother had originally bought that stool for me.
When I was about April's age I would complain to my mother that I couldn't reach the sink, so one day she took me to the store, bought me a boring white stool, and then spent the rest of the day out in the garden painting it with me. We ate sandwiches and drank lemonade. It was a good day.
April sits on the toilet with her back to mess I pull her strawberry blonde ringlets into two pigtails. She hands me two small yellow bows for each one.
"Yellow is a happy color" she says, and I wonder if she notices how unhappy our lives have become.
I help April into her favorite white sun dress that is decorated with yellow daisies and she straps on her velcro sneakers.
"Go wake up Luke, and I'll meet you downstairs in a minute"
I opt for my usual outfit- jeans, a blue long sleeve top, and my ratty old converse. I toss my notebook into my bag and leave my room, trying not to focus too hard on the closed door at the end of the hallway.
"Scar, have you seen my mythology textbook?" My older brother Luke asks as he digs through his cluttered backpack.
"By the couch" I reply while collecting April's school supplies.
"Did you have another one of those dreams?" Luke pries. I nod and Luke shoots me a look of pity.
The dreams started when I was a little girl. They were rare at first- happening every couple of months. But the older I got, the more frequent and vivid they became. They were always so strange to me. In my dreams, I was myself but It was not my life.
I glance at the clock and it's 7:45- time to go.
"Alright, time for school" I say, grabbing April's hand.
"I'll be home a little late tonight. My professor is holding office hours tonight at 6." Luke states as I'm walking out the door with April. "Okay text me when you're on your way home!" I scream over my shoulder.
"I love you guys!" Luke yells back as I slam the door shut.
April's ramble on about the butterflies they're growing in her classroom and I can't help but pity my big brother. When mom and dad died, he moved back from college to look after us. He tried his best to be strong for us but I can tell it's killing him to be here. I don't blame him, he's losing his youth.
Red Water elementary school comes into view and April picks up her pace, dragging me behind her. She quickly hugs my legs then retreats into the herd of elementary schoolers, giggling and jumping with a group of little girls.
I smile, it's nice to know that she's okay, that she can still be happy here.
I wave goodbye as April and her friends enter the building.
Magnolia trees line the street I take on my walk to Red Water High School. I've always loved this walk, but today I dread it. I know that at the end of this shaded street waits classrooms filled with sympathetic faces, generic condolences, and unwanted good intentions.
The thought becomes too much for me and I quickly turn off of the road, cutting through the trees and trekking up an all too familiar hill. At the hills highest point sits the old Red Water observatory.
From the outside it's clear that the building has been neglected. The overgrown ivy and rotting doorway creates an eerie feeling surrounding the observatory. It hasn't been in use since the early 1970s and It was scheduled to be torn down last June. The town council planned on building a Library in its place, however, a lack of funding kept them from moving forward with their plan. People around here think it's an eyesore and a hazard.
It's falling apart, yet so am I.
The door creaks when it opens and dust dances in the sunlight. I walk up the rotting staircase, testing each step before I use it. I ascend the staircase slowly, holding on to what remains of the banister.
The top level of the observatory is filled with light and dust. The walls are a light brown color, but I assume in its prime they were yellow. Dark wooden desks lay scattered around the room and bare bookcases line the walls. The glass ceiling is foggy from dust and the large telescope in the center of the room is rusted.
My father and I used to come here and peak out through the large copper telescope, trying to find Orion's Belt.
I drop my bag and sit on the dust covered floors, crossing my legs. Sunlight seeps in through the glass ceiling, and my eyes shut as I soak it in.
After a moment, I pull a notebook and pencil out from my purse and begin sketching images from last nights dream. I scribble down words next to the images I recreate, describing the events of the dream.
And then I sketched him.
I've never seen his face. So I draw the silhouette of a man in old world clothing. I've never been able to remember the events surrounding him, but I do remember how it all felt. There was panic and pain, but mostly passion. Mostly love.
I can feel him in every dream. Even if I've only caught a few glimpses of him, I know he's there.
A floor board creeks behind me and I jump to my feet. Startled, my head whips from side to side as I scan the room, looking for the sounds source. I see nothing, but I can't shake the feeling that someone is in the room, watching me.
I quickly snatch my bag from the ground and hurry down the rickety steps. Running out of the observatory, I look at the glass ceiling over my shoulder. For a moment I see the silhouette of a man behind the foggy glass. In the blink of an eye he is gone and I'm running towards the road.
As I fly down the hill a familiar feeling momentarily settles into my stomach. For a split second I feel the familiar combination of panic and pain, but mostly passion. Mostly love.
