Lamppost on 39th Street

Chapter four

"Seriously! Come on. I literally can't find her anywhere. Its been three hours!" I yell over the blasting music to Paxton. "She just left me? What the hell?" Paxton laughs at me and shakes his head. "Is it so bad being left with me for so long?" he asks. Suddenly I realize that my outrage might have been taken out of context. "No, Paxton. I'm sorry that came out wrong. What I meant to imply was that-" 

"You're pissed she left but you're willing to let me walk you home." I smile at him admiringly. It dawns on me just how nice he is being. "Well i meant that she is my ride home. However, since i don't live too far from here and i guess you're walking as well you may walk me home." He smiles that breathtaking smile again as we head toward the door. "Hey Paxton?" He raises his eyebrows at me but keeps walking. "Thanks for everything." He smiles, drapes his jacket over my shoulders, and guides me towards the doors.

                                                                                             ***

As we walk down the street towards my apartment i think about how Jackson used to walk me home all the time. It wasn't until we moved in together and he went into the army that i noticed how much i actually appreciated those walks and how much i missed him when he was gone. The only thing that ever kept me going was the fact that i knew that after his long absences he would come home and hold me. And I would get to kiss him the way i always used to. And now? Well...I just don't know anymore. I know I'm alive and breathing but it feels like I have completely withered and died. I hate the feeling. "Ellie? You alright? You look like you've seen a ghost?" Paxton's voice suddenly breaks through the memories and i remember that he is walking me home. "Uh...yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking." That was a lie. But he doesn't know that. And he doesn't know the truth about me. Thank god for that bit of information. "Okay, well I asked you a question. Did you hear me?" 

"Um no. Sorry."

"I asked if you were from New York or somewhere else."

"Um yes. I'm from upstate New York. This little town." 

"Nice. Me too. Well about the upstate part. Obviously we aren't from the same town or i would have seen you before." 

I smile and giggle a little bit. He seems so confident in himself. We come up on my street and i realize we are about two blocks from my front door. I almost feel this tug of guilt at the fact that i haven't told him about Jackson, but then i remember i just met him in a nightclub and i am not required to tell him anything about myself. "So where do you live again?" Paxton asks me out of nowhere. I look up and see the red door that leads to to my apartment. "Right there." I say pointing to the bright red door that Jackson always hated. We sped up our pace a little now because the door was less than a block away. We arrive at the door and Paxton looks almost sad that we are done walking. We come to a stop and i slide his jacket off my shoulders and hand it back to him. "Thanks for walking me home. I really appreciate it. You made this night more fun than i thought it would be. When my friend and I arrived at the club i thought it was gonna be terrible but thanks to you it was actually pretty great. So thanks again."

"You're welcome. I had a lot of fun with you tonight. Maybe we can do it again sometime?"

"Maybe." 

"Can i have your number?"

I give him my number and say goodnight. I hesitate to go upstairs and stare in his emerald eyes for a while. And surprisingly, he stares back. I smile and go to turn away. He grabs my arm and spins me back around to face him. He smiles and pulls me in for a kiss. And for those few seconds i completely forget about everything. About Jackson, about the accident, about Ashley ditching me, and about the fact that he is a complete stranger. Instead i focus on the electricity sparking between our lips as we share a few seconds twined together. The heat between us scares me a little. He pulls away and kisses my cheek. "Goodnight Ellie." He says. Then he steps away leaving me burning in the still freezing weather, smiles, and disappears into the darkness. 

                                                                                              ***

I open the door to the apartment and step into the silence. A huge wave of guilt pours over me when i see that first picture of Jackson in his uniform hanging by the door. I walk over to it and place my hand on the glass. I feel the tears bubbling at the surface as i set my purse on the counter and walk into the bedroom. I unzip my dress and step out of it and into my pajamas. As i pull the top dresser drawer open the photograph comes into view. I grab it and walk to the bed. I lay down clutching the small frame to my chest as the tears burst and flow like a river down my face. It seems as though no matter how much fun I have tonight or any night, it will never overpower the empty void in my chest where he used to be. 

And that's what hurts the most.