Numb: The Genesis

VII. Burn

I never knew how appetizing stale, cold bread was. It stuck in my throat as I swallowed. I had no water to clear the path in my esophagus, but I just learned to tolerate it.

The door was unlocked, and it creaked open. I wasn't in the mood to see anyone unless they had some water to offer. I looked up to see who it was.

"What a pleasant surprise, Queen Elsa," I sarcastically greeted her with a tight grin. Our relations were sort of medial, slightly negative. I mean, we don't know much about each other as much as I with Anna. We weren't in good terms, for sure.

She held a glass of water in her hands. They were gloved this time, not like earlier. The glass was being shaken ever so slightly by her gloved hands.

"Water?" she spoke softly. I nodded tiredly as she handed the glass to me. "I've come to talk to you, Hans."

"What could you possibly say to a man like me?" I took a small sip to quench my thirst. I pitied myself. I returned eye contact with Elsa, except she looked away the moment my eyes met with hers.

"I forgive you."

Finally, our eyes connected in unison. I was about to speak but stopped myself since I had a loss of words. I was in disbelief.

"I forgive you not because you are worthy and deserving of my forgiveness, but because I am deserving of peace." With that, she left the confines.

I assume she's right. I haven't done much to redeem myself. Everything I did was for my sake. I tried to prove to everyone that I was strong. That I was capable of more than what everyone may think. 'I can do this, I can do that' was all I had in my mind. What else could there be? I was looked down upon all my life and... Finally, I got up, stood tall, so I could look in their faces. However, when I got up, stood tall, I came up too short.

--

I just laid on the bench, placing the half-full glass on the ground. I wasn't consumed in deep thought or anything, but I started to tear up. My lungs had difficulty taking in air because of my short breaths. I felt like I had everything before my eyes, but lost it all when I blinked. Overwhelmed by my tears, I thought of untainted innocence. Mamma. Anna. Noèle. But they've been tainted in my memory. Whenever I thought of them, I just thought of my losses. I lost Mamma. I lost Anna. I lost Noèle. I gained and I lost.

Moments before, Anna came into my room to talk to me about what I did. I thought it was so funny how she blamed her love on me. It's obvious that she wasn't in love with me. I've known for long that she was in love with love out of pure desperation. But I had an inkling that she had some type of feeling... Well, love makes us blind, and maybe that was the case for her. Surely, all this thought was for my defense. It was all simple after I had met her. I had everything in line by then- that's what I had thought.

Sometimes I think of what I did and why I did it, especially why. All my life I've been chasing something having no idea what it was. But this time I knew, I was sure of it. This time, I wasn't going to be looked down upon. Finally I could stand tall enough all on my own. Like I said so many times before, I was always so close but so far. Nothing was stopping me, not even anyone who were dark in my eyes. It was me all along.

This realization recurred in my mind every so often and I wondered why. Like I was trying to tell myself what's wrong, but won't accept the fact that it was me who was ruining myself. Living made me endure it longer. I kept sinking into this abyss, and everytime I came up with something to escape, I sunk in further.

Before the Great Thaw, I poured water on the flames to leave Anna for dead, but instead I added more fuel to the fire...

And I was willing to burn everything down with a look of satisfaction plastered on my face. Like always.