Abandoned Heart

-Lost-

The pain I am experiencing right now is almost unbearable, I never thought that in all my life I would miss my dad if something happened to him. I know that sounds terrible but between being yelled at constantly, and being abused I never knew I would feel this much heartbreak. My dad was an alcoholic, he would always lose his temper in front of my mother. All I can do now is be there for my mother, and hope her mind doesn't go crazy, when I went downstairs this morning I couldn't find my mother, but she was sitting on the deck drinking some tea. When I walked around just enough to see her face all I saw was tears rolling down her pale cheeks, my mother has never looked so ghostly before. I didn't know what to say, because I feared I might say the wrong thing. I just sat down beside her, we cried together for about 30 minutes and went inside. Still she hadn't said a word, finally I broke the silence and said "Mom, I love you more than you'll ever know I will always be here for you, and if you need some time alone I'll be here to talk when your ready." All she said was "Thank you darling, I think I'm going to go for a walk." I hugged my mother and wished I could remove the pain she was feeling, I went upstairs to shower tears rolling down my face now. When I got up to my room I got a shower, and sat in the bath with a feeling of emptiness, like a piece of my heart had been torn out of me. I didn't want to check my phone, I didn't want to read a book, I didn't want to breath. I just laid on my bed, my brain going a million miles an hour thinking of all the things we would have to do. Set up a funeral, see a lot of my family I haven't seen in over seven years. It was all just to much to think about.

I think that I was so stressed that my brain just shut down, because for some reason I feel asleep. Probably because my body was so tired from crying so much it was just to exhausted to get up, or stay awake. When I woke up I decided to check my phone, and I had three new messages from Kaylee. I was not in the mood to talk to her, not that any of this was her fault. I just didn't want to cry more knowing that those messages were talking about how she was sorry, and telling me about stuff my dad used to do. That's how it always goes, you lose a family member and they remind you of things you used to do with them, or memories you had with them. Some people like being reminded of it, personally that is the last thing I want to hear, that person is gone and there isn't anything that is going to make me feel better.

I finally decided to get up after staring at my celling for almost an hour, and still I hadn't heard any sounds downstairs indicating that mother was down there. So when I got downstairs I tried calling my mom, but I got her voicemail. I wasn't to worried because she had done this before, when her cousin passed away, we weren't close at all but I tried my best to be there for my mother. I waited 30 minutes and called again, this time she picked up, her voice was shaky and she sounded drained. I asked where she was and she said at the juice bar. I couldn't go outside obviously so I just said please be home soon, I want to talk to you. I hung up and ate some breakfast, I texted Kaylee back. Just like I had predicted, she sent me three long paragraphs about how she wishes she could be there with me and my mother right now, and she wishes she could have saved him. I wasn't rude, or mad I just texted back "Thanks."

I felt lost, abandoned by my own emotions which sounds weird but it was true, I didn't know what to feel. My mom walked in after I got done eating my breakfast, and sat down next to me and said something I never thought she'd say. "Elissa, I saw your dad about two weeks ago." I froze, maybe I was mistaken... I repeated her "You saw dad two weeks ago." One single tear fell from her eye and she just sat there and nodded, I was so confused. I grabbed her hand because if I didn't I would've slammed my hands on the table and probably screamed.

Elissa - "Mom, why did you see dad?"

Amanda (Mom) - "Honey, I need you to understand that when a married couple doesn't see each other for a very long time, they feel lost and need to see each other for a small amount of time. Maybe just to check on each other, or just take a walk that's all it was, I know I told you that I was going to the grocery store but I didn't want you to be worried.

Elissa - "I don't understand mom, that makes no sense dad used to hurt us, I thought you said that we would never make an effort to see him again.."

Amanda - "Sweetheart, it was a one time thing, I was feeling extremely lonely and needed to see his face, and I know he used to do some bad things but I forgave him because that's what your supposed to do."

Elissa - "Why would you do this to me..."

Amanda - "ELISSA, I'm telling you right now, I'm trying my hardest to get you to understand, this whole thing isn't about you!"

Elissa - "Wow, you are so selfish."

I stormed upstairs, slammed my door and wished I could've disappeared. I wished that our conversation wouldn't have ended like that, but what did she expect, she met up with the man that used to beat me, scream in my face, make me feel worthless. Just because she was lonely.