The girl from nine (fix me)

Can you fix it?i dont know.

Trying to get better is like trying to climb out of a dark hole,seeing the tiniest bits of light and not being able to climb to the top,however every time you start to to pull yourself up you just fall down.

I really don't think I'll be able to escape.

I've promised people I'll never do it again,how can I possibly keep that promise if it's the one thing that goes around my head constantly haunting me.

I'm worried about everyone,though I think Sussie is getting better,she told me,the thing is I acted normal when she told me and said I was proud off her,I don't what her to know how I really fucking felt,I felt so fucking happy so fucking proud of one of my best friends,of course she's still in the dark,she's just found the rope to help her climb,however she could use it for something else.

But I was so happy,she's one of my best friends and when I was home I actually cried,I cried my eyes out because I've never be so proud off her in my life,of course I know it won't always be this way,you get worse after getting better because the world Dosen't want everyone to be happy.

If she got sad again I'd be just as proud because she managed it,when she gets sad again I'll be by her side.

I'm worried about something and someone else however I'm not going to say,there's a lot of things I don't put in this book,so there's more going on in my life then you know.

Mark, i don't even know,I know he's got it bad,I'm determined to make him better,as hard as it might be,he's got sunshine waiting for him.

Me myself?i don't know.

Well I do,I know I am a black hole in the universe that destroys everything in it's way.

I really miss my nan,it's the little things that make me remember her,people don't understand how close we where and I feel like I lost my best friend,I really do.

I was clean for a week.

Was.

I tried real hard I just can't get any fucking better,I've gotten worse real fucking worse I can't do it,go on,I've tried to Many times to end it and it hasn't worked the last time I ended in hospital.

I don't want to end up in hospital,you know I want too...hm,die.

I had six counseling sessions with six different people who all asked a similar thing

'Why did you do it?' - 'I think it's obvious why'

'Why did you take them.sweet,'- 'to end my life'

'Have you done this before,taken them?'-'yes' - 'why?' - ' so I could rest without worrying'

'Do you know what you wanted to happen?'-'sleep forever'

'What did you think the result would be?'- 'I wouldn't wake up' - 'how do you feel now you have?'-'disappointed'

'What was the reason?'-'too be happy'

These where the genuine things I said.

I really can't feel happy and that kills me more then I'm already dead.

When people tell me to shut up I take it to heart because I'm such a fucking weirdo,take a joke you knob.

I'm always going to be massive,fat,chubby cunt.

Always ugly.

Disgusting

Stupid,I've told you it all before.

And most off all I'm always going to be the suicidal girl from nine.

I'm always gonna be broken.

I'm not always gonna be around,I apologise for that,this is just plain stupid.

I'm such a cunt.

Why do I even...I dunno.