Random Updates On How I Am Mentally and Emotionally-

March 2nd 2018

      It is 10:16 and I feel as if today I never woke up It would have made little difference. 

I recently started talking to a boy I knew in my youth and as crazy as I am he actually wanted to pursue a relationship with me. That was yesterday... I don't think that is a possibility now. My best female friend didn't even want to talk to me today, this is one of the times I really need to talk to her and I can't even do that. 

I fly somewhere between wanting to break down and being okay. This depressing small room is getting the best of me and I am thinking the worst thoughts. Whenever I want to reach out and tell someone I am not okay I stop myself by telling myself, "No one cares and wants me to bring down their mood". Same thing with that guy... I don't see the point of having people around since I run everybody off and they ignore me anyway... I don't know why no one wants to talk to me... 

What did I do wrong? 

Why am I so annoying?

How do I stop myself from running people I care about away?

I feel so horrible. I just need to sob it out, I need to cry this all out. I told a guy at church I would say three good things about myself to myself in the mirror. That was last Wednesday and I still haven't done it once, let alone everyday. I have broken my promise, and I will lie to his face about it at church when we go... 

I just want to give up. What is wrong with me?

I don't want to be here anymore.