One Way Ticket

So What Now?

When we first came here, I thought we'd only be staying for two years. Ha. Ha. Then my mom explained that we'll wait around to get our residency in about 5 years. To a child aged 5, 5 years is literally their whole lifetime. So I'm sure you can understand why I found that to be sooooo unbelievably long. But little Z knew she couldn't do anything about it. Her dad's job was here, and she couldn't ask her parents to just up and leave just because she wanted to since she was homesick and life here terrorised her. Though she couldn't understand it then, she is slowly coming to realise that her parents love her and only want the best for her. And so we waited. Five years later, we got our residency, and I felt a little part of me was torn away. Well, a big part actually. We are "residents" of the United Kingdom now. We no longer legally live in the Philippines. Could I even call it home anymore? But I asked again, if it was then finally time to go home. To which they replied, just one more year. We may as well get our British citizenship, eh! I had my reservations, but I knew I couldn't refuse anyway. Next year comes along, I lose my Filipino Citizenship, my Filipino passport, and a brand new identity is assigned to me. Literally - my parents had to sign the forms and take the oaths on my behalf since I was a minor, so I had no choice in the matter. Everyone was happy and they expected me to be likewise. But I just felt like I was robbed of yet another part of my identity. But is being Filipino purely about what your passport says? Is your 'home' just whatever address you put on papers and documents? I sure hoped not. The labels just didn't seem to fit. I waited the year and I asked again. At this point I wasn't sure whether to believe what they were going to say and there wasn't really any point in asking. "Oh, just a couple more years Z." And guess who's still here, over a decade later.

Over the years, I've met and known children who moved like me at around the same age. For some reason they all hated the thought of going back home. They quickly forgot how to speak Tagalog, which was understandable, because of the people around us and the environment in school that often made it feel like being different was a crime. Many even feared family visits home because they thought it was too hot, or too 'dirty'. Sometimes I wish I could just be like them so I could just be content and happy and this wouldn't affect my life so much, and I didn't constantly want the things I couldn't change. I often wonder why I wasn't like that - what made me yearn for home so much? Maybe it was because they had siblings to go through it all together with. Maybe it was because I never felt like an only child until I moved here. Maybe moving here like that made it feel like I had lost brothers and sisters. But someone I know is an only child too, M, and he seems to be doing just fine. Maybe it's because London doesn't have any Jollibees, or anything Filipino or other family within 5000 miles of us - just a general lack of anything to take me back to the good ol' days. Or maybe I'm just really picky and he's just a really good kid. It could also just go to show how amazing my family was back home that I never want to leave them.

For years I wondered if I'd ever be able to get that one way ticket home and was slowly losing hope. I tried to be patient and look where it got me. I know sometimes people say things'll happen, you just have to be patient, but this is literally one of the things where it can be too late. I missed out on the 'foundation years'. I mean I was there for the first five, but was snatched away for the main show. When I visited home in 2016 I realised if I didn't come home for good soon, it'll be too late. It was a wake-up call. As I said, we're all growing up, but some are indeed growing old. Nothing will ever be like the way it was before. In reality, it was "too late" the minute we left the first time. No, things will never be like they were before, because the world is constantly changing. We're constantly adapting to new situations, and just because something didn't turn out as you had hoped, doesn't mean the world has ended - you still got a life to live, so live it. Make new memories. If you fall over, get straight back up again. If you think the people you used to know seem dead to you, and seeing your family again is essentially like meeting new people, then see it as a fresh start. Yes you can sulk and cry about it for a bit if that makes you feel better because yes it is sad and you can't deny that and it's good to let out your feelings and let yourself feel emotions. But once you've gotten over your denial, anger, bargaining and depression phases, then you gotta accept and move on.

To my Mama and Papa, who have been nothing other than supportive, understanding, caring, inspiring, a source of wisdom, kindness, generosity and love, thank you. I'm sorry if I'm not exactly turning out to be the kid you wanted or hoped to have. Though I may not always seem to show it, I love you both so damn much. I just need you to know that.

Hey, the time is finally coming. September's near. It's not when or how I imagined it would be. But at least I'm going home :)

(Just one more chapter, bear with me.)