Running With Wolves

Chapter 6: Chocolate Won't Fix Everything

Chapter 6: Chocolate Won't Fix Everything

Even in wolf form, Remus had been distant. They had gotten to the shrieking shack just after midnight. Remus was curled up on the floor, whimpering. He snarled when they entered, struggling to push himself up. Blood welled in the long scratches latticing his back and sides. Remus collapsed back down to the floor. Sirius padded forward, going to lap at the wolf's wounds, but Remus snapped his jaws and Sirius backed off, tail between his legs. Remus' attitude had pretty much been the same the entire night.

Sirius drew his legs up to his chest. The bed creaked underneath him. The sound seemed to echo off the walls. The three of them sat in their dormitory, the first dregs of sunlight streaming through the window. The moon had set nearly two hours ago, but it was still too early for them to go down to the hospital wing. None of them had gone to sleep. They had been sitting in miserable silence for the better part of the early morning, curtains pulled away from their beds, avoiding eye-contact with each other.

"Madam Pomfrey should let us in soon," James murmured, checking his watch.

"If he even wants to see us," replied Sirius bitterly.

"Of course he will," said Peter. He didn't sound particularly sure.

"You have nothing to worry about, Peter, you didn't actually do anything. James and I, we're reckless and we can't control ourselves." Sirius let himself fall back against his headboard. His eyes fell of the chocolates he had insisted they bring Remus. He'd made them all sneak into Hogsmede to steal them from Honeydukes. Sirius had promised he'd pay for them on the next Hogsmede trip. Now the chocolates sat on his bedside table. It wasn't close to enough to make up for his mistake.

"C'mon, it's Remus, he'll be mad for a bit, then he'll forgive you, like he always does."

"He forgives me for stupid things."

"If he can forgive you for nearly killing Sn—,"

"I thought we agreed not to talk about that again."

"If he can forgive you for that, he can forgive you for getting into detention on the full moon. He'll understand you just make a mistake."

"What if... what if I've cross the limit? What if I've surpassed the number of stupid things he can forgive me for? What if he's had it with me and he can't forgive me again?"

James' silence was not reassuring.

"We can probably go see him now." James said at last. Sirius swung himself sullenly off the bed, grabbing the chocolates as he left.

The castle was barely awake. The common room was empty except for a lithe black cat sitting on the arm of a chair, basking in the dying embers of the fire. The corridors were empty as well. They met no one on their way to the hospital wing.

Madam Pomphery greeted them at the door.

"He says he expects you all to come, but I must impress on you that he is not to be too disturbed." And she let them in.

The others, at least, seemed encouraged that Remus decided he wanted visitors. Sirius on the other hand, felt a knot of apprehension building in his stomach. James had to remind him to stop crushing Remus' chocolates.

Remus was sitting up in the last bed in the hospital wing, reading a book. He didn't look up when they came in, but his eyes stopped moving across the page. White bandages peaked through his pajama shirt, and his face looked a little pale, but otherwise, he was little worse off than he would've been any other full moon. Madam Pomfrey, at least, had done a good job patching him up.

"Good Morning, Moony." James said tentatively. Remus looked up, doing a very poor imitation of appearing as though he had just noticed them.

"Oh, good morning, James," he said, setting his book down in his lap.

"We brought chocolate."

Sirius stepped forward and held the box out to Remus who took it tenderly.

He didn't look at Sirius.

"We're really sorry we left you alone on the full moon, Rem," said James.

"You came eventually."

Sirius tapped is fingers on his thigh mirroring the nervous rhythm of his heart. Remus looked down, fingering the pages of his book. Somewhere on the grounds an owl hooted.

"I'm sorry for starting that fight with Snape. It was irresponsible and reckless and stupid. You were right. I wasn't thinking. I know you don't need protection from me, and these chocolates really don't make up for what James and I did. I'm sorry, Moony," Sirius said.

Never had silence sounded so loud. Remus continued to stare at his lap. Sirius wiped his palms on his trousers.

"Look, Moony," he tried again, "I know what I did was wrong. I know I shouldn't have done something so reckless right around the full moon. I'm really sorry. I'll try harder next time."

"You'll try," Remus said.

"Yes."

Remus scoffed. "It was very nice of you all to come visit me. Thank you for the chocolates."

"What?" asked Sirius, a low growl building in his throat, drowning out his pounding heart. "Remus I said I was sorry, I can't do much more than that." Remus refused to break eye contact with his knees. "For God's sake Remus, would you just look at me?"

Finally, Remus glanced up. The look on his face was like a knife to the gut.

"I told you not to do it and you did anyway," he said in a low voice.

"Yeah, well I don't always have to listen to everything you say, Moony."

"No? Is it too much for me to ask that once a month you keep yourself out of trouble for me, Black? Is that really too much for you to handle."

"You can't say I haven't kept myself out of trouble for you, Lupin. I made a mistake, and I'm sorry for it."

"Maybe sorry won't cut it this time. Maybe I've had enough of you, Sirius Black."

Sirius felt the air as it was sucked out of his lungs. "What about James, you seem to have forgiven him."

"He didn't curse Snape because he decided he need to defend my honor."

"You said you didn't care who started it."

"Well then I was wrong. I do care. Might I remind you, if it wasn't for you, Snape wouldn't even know I'm a werewolf?"

Sirius stopped. "You know Moony, I would have thought someone as smart as you would have recognized the flaw in your argument. I said I was sorry. What more do you need me to do?"

Remus didn't answer, didn't even open his mouth. Sirius didn't care. He turned sharply on his heel and marched out the hospital wing door. As it closed behind him, he heard the box of chocolates he'd gotten for Remus hit the opposite wall. He balled his hands into fists. And walked. He didn't know where he was going, only that he was getting as far away from the hospital wing as he could. He heard no footsteps. He didn't know if James and Peter had stayed with Remus longer, if they were still with him, or if they had gone back to the common room hoping find him, but at least they hadn't followed him.

Sirius had apologized many times over for the incident with Snape and the Whomping Willow. He had endured Remus' disappointment for weeks over it. And he had hated it the whole time. But they had promised, once Remus had forgiven him, to never bring it up. And the fact that Remus had tried to use it in an argument against him? That felt like something had exploded in his chest. For Remus to stoop so low...

Cold air cut Sirius' face. He was at the top of the Astronomy Tower overlooking the grounds. The lake, the Forbidden Forest, he could even see Hogsmede in the distance. He glanced over it once and decided he detested the view. Then Sirius sat down against the wall and buried his head in his arms.