Alistair Caligari // WATTY'S 2018 LONGLIST

V. CLOSING TIME (unedited)

It had bothered him the rest of the night, into the early hours that he spent holding his son within his arms in an attempt to make him sleep. For a moment, for a glimpsing moment he had thought that maybe he'd found a way through to his patient, something that he could use as leverage. But he'd landed himself in disappointment. It almost seemed as though Alistair was so deep in his beliefs and his ideologies, so deep within his mind that was ultimately damaged and dysfunctional, that he might never gain traction. Curtis had never been a quitter, though, it's why he'd gotten so far in his field. The unrelenting determination and fearlessness in the face of overwhelming odds. Of course, he could never hope to fix Alistair completely; that potential had been dismissed long ago. His illnesses, or at least some of them, were genetic. Those could only be truly tamed with drugs. Some, though; his complexes and personality defaults could be resolved or assisted with enough effort on his part. Maybe, if he could at least get Alistair to see the truth, to understand in some way, or perhaps simply accept a little amount of humanity, then they could work it out. Ford was sure that Alistair held that capability for acceptance, but he was also so firmly rooted. Old trees were harder to dig up than new ones. The longer that Alistair stayed fixed in this mindset the worse it would become. And yet his patient continued to insist so strongly that his nature did not control him. Ford knew the path he had to travel in order to at least attempt finding that humanity in his patient, but it was easier said than done. Perhaps he was plucking at strings, or holding onto some vain hope that there was something in Alistair's past that he could use, but he had to try. There was a reason why he'd been missing the past five years, and a reason why he had nobody to call a friend or family despite the connections he once held. It was a question of what happened, and where did those people go? How did that affect him?

Ford was disturbed only by the sound of the bedroom door creaking open, a small glimmer of light shining through the crack. He noticed his wife's silhouette cast upon the ground and glanced upwards to see her peering around the edge of the door with concern etched into her smooth expression. She was ever so quiet when she approached, careful not to make a single noise and reached down without a word to lift their son from Curtis' arms. It was then that he realised that the boy was asleep, and that the time was steadily ticking past one in the morning. Jiao didn't have to say a word for Curtis to know that was why she'd entered the room. His silence, along with the silence of the child, probably had her thinking that the pair of them had fallen asleep. Perhaps that was why there was a curious glint to her eye, surprised to find that her husband was still awake even now. Despite his long day at work, and the work day he'd be doing the following morning. She reached down again, after placing their child back into his cot, and took Curtis' hand in her own. They were as gentle as he remembered them, as sensitive as he remembered them, and he followed her so easily when she pulled him out of the room and down the hall to their own bedroom. The concern was still there. He could still see it and he could feel it in her body language. So he was unsurprised when instead of simply climbing back into bed she led him to sit on the edge and joined him. She still held his hand, tightly, like a promise that she'd never let him go.

"Are you okay?"

What was this now? The second night in a row that she'd had to ask. The second night in a row that he'd concerned her and he knew well enough how much stress those sorts of things could put on a relationship. But it was as though thoughts were constantly plaguing his mind and he couldn't shut down, he couldn't switch off and just relax. He turned to look at her, his thumb brushing over the back of her hand and he offered only a brief sigh.

"I'm fine, I'm just thinking."

"You're doing that a lot lately," Jiao pointed out without hesitation, like she knew of his response before he'd even voiced it. And she was right, he had been doing a lot of thinking. "Is it still about that... what's the point in living nonsense?"