Danger Line (Malec)

Danger Line Chapter 2 Disenchanted

Magnus is a heavy sleeper, Alec notes. Well, not necessarily a heavy sleeper, but someone who can fall asleep when the situation demands for it. Alec only knows this because the minute the de-glittered and pajamaed teen's head hits the pillow and the bedcovers are pulled up he's out like a light. Alec wishes he could just fall asleep like that sometimes. Wishes that his mind won't go on overdrive every time he thinks of sleeping like it always does, that every time he thinks of resting his eyes those images won't flash before his eyes, staining his mind. He just wants to forget those images, wants to forget his pain.

Pain isn't really even the right word for it, not really. While it hurt a lot, the incident, both mentally and physically, it doesn't really cause him pain anymore. It's strange. It should hurt. Hell, Alec wants it to hurt, but it just won't fucking hurt. The nightmares make him feel alive and terrified, they're horrible. He hates them, wishes they would go away. They make him feel, make him hurt, but in the wrong way. Alec wants to hurt, he really wants to fucking bleed and cry and maybe be the person he really is, but it's the wrong kind of hurt and the nightmares just make him numb. They enhance his apathy, they force his mind to be more cynical than ever before.

The fact remains that Alec shouldn't care about things like feeling and pain. He still does, but after the incident... He doesn't want anything showing. He doesn't want any of himself on display, doesn't want his opinions known. His opinions are useless, his opinions should be kept to himself because useless things shouldn't exist. Feelings are useless. Alec is useless. But that's changing. Alec's getting stronger, he's building a wall of blood around himself and he can't wait to complete construction. It's a solo task, the managers of the project are the people who caused and took part in the incident, and they've long since left Alec to finish the job. He's fine with that, though. He's fine with being alone, he's fine with his situation. He's okay with the fact that there's even a need for him to get stronger.

He's not fine with being weak, though. He can hear the breath, hot in his ear and spitting hateful words of ugliness and weakness. Of being useless, of being the very thing Alec despises so much. Alec fought, kind of, but it didn't matter. He stopped protesting because he knew it was true. He knew he was ugly, he fucking knew he was useless, thanks for the reminder. Thanks for turning a perfectly nice boy bitter.

Yeah, there are so many thanks that Alec could hand out like flyers, let slip bitterly off his tongue. Thanks for the life lessons, thanks for the numbness. Thank you for venom. Venom. Alec could almost laugh at that, no matter how hollow the sound will turn out if he does. Thanks for the nonchalant personality, thank you for drowning the meek boy Alec once was. Thanks for making Alec's roommate think the teen a homophobe, thanks for trying to erase Alec's individuality. Congrats, you managed to wipe some of it away. But there are still the nasty smudge marks.

Thanks. Because of all this shit Alec had to put up with and undoubtedly will have to put up with again will no doubt cause yet another sleepless night. Another night for Alec to spend with his best friend, insomnia, another night where he closes his eyes and so much time passes by but he can't fucking sleep. Yeah, thanks. You're so nice, aren't you, world? Note the sarcasm.

Alec sighs, finally giving up. There's no way he's sleeping tonight. He's been having some trouble with sleeping since the incident, but has actually had good nights where he could just slip away. Last night was one of those nights, and Alec had hoped it would last, but apparently not. He'll have to find something other to do than lie in bed. While there's nothing wrong with lying in bed, Alec doesn't particularly want to do that. He wants to drink a steaming hot cup of coffee to force his tired eyes open, wants to not be overwhelmed by this fear when he closes his eyes.

He managed to forget fear last night, but it's back again. It's back and it's eating away at his mind, and he shouldn't fucking care, he should man up and deal with it, but he can't. He just can't deal with the memories, not tonight. Tonight he needs something else, he needs... he needs something to sharpen his fearful mind and take focus away from his main objection. He needs something more than he has.