sonder

riley

the epitome of riley; broken but put together like a dilapidated toy.

it wasn't even fall yet. it was still warm outside and my hair hadn't been chopped off in a spontaneous attempt to forget. in fact, it was a few days before my birthday. and i, a delusional teenager, watched riley climb out of the bleachers. riley had the prettiest apricot eyes i'd ever seen in my whole life. i believed there was a golden refuge inside them. falling over them were his midnight locks of curls. they made me think of this word—cafuné. riley's body moved awkwardly and confidently at the same time, like he had a mission except he didn't quite know exactly how to control his scrawny limbs. but the most beautiful thing about riley's porcelain face (everyone said he looked like a china doll), was his stunning, riveting, divine smile. i doused it all over my sorry soul for some brighter hues. and by the time riley had gone back the bleachers, i was already infatuated with him.

as i worked to prepare my mind for an overflow of perplexing emotions, other girls did the same. girls with glossier hair that they could glide their fingers through and girls with more to say. and one day, one of these girls named willow, asked riley out. as much as i wanted to hate willow, i couldn't because she was sweeter than a peach with naturally blushed cheeks. as the entire gym class stared at him in anticipation for an answer, riley navigated his way though an excruciatingly awkward moment. he slouched in his chair with a dumb smile sewn to shape his mouth and he mumbled cowardly, innocent 'maybe, i don't think so's. riley, riley, riley, how could you reject willow? aren't you interested in any girls? they demanded a response.

riley didn't look down at these girls. me included. he always looked straight at the walls and spoke without any eye contact. walls were simple. walls didn't need to be rejected. and when riley did avert his eyes, it's because he couldn't ignore it.

anyways, it was besides the point. riley had better things to do. his father said so and it was true. riley was envious of sponges, absorbing everything at once and he swore he could do the same. so he listened to his mother's hospital stories and instead of going out, he studied and worked and pretended to be happy even though he wasn't sure if he could fight his way through the day some mornings. learning felt forced and teachers spoke in gray so every day, he complained his throat raw and frustration ate at his already sore brain. making riley smile was harder some days than others (those times, the sun moved a little farther away) but what was even harder was making him laugh (and those days, the earth just had no sun at all).

like my eyes, riley's did not reflect the present. they were somewhere else. but unlike mine, they were on the opposite side of the timeline; the future. riley just saw darkness but he liked the uncertainty of it because the idea of him being in some other unknown place was comforting. any place was better really. no other place could possibly have the confining, metal bars he was used to staring at every day. he couldn't prove how real those bars were. he couldn't prove how he touched them and shook them and kicked them. and so naturally, concepts like the earth's axis only provoked him.

eventually i cared a lot for riley. but i knew riley would never like me back. and no, not just because i knew i wasn't right for him, but rather because i realized he needed to fall in love with life. it seemed that riley didn't understand that he couldn't wait for his broken mechanisms to repair themselves. he had to exhale black exhaust through his lips and learn how to hand someone the tools to put him back together.