I kept tumbling deeper and deeper into the darkness of insanity. I couldn't give her up not when I had her in my dreams, not when another lifetime meant another chance. In the blink of an eye, I lost her. In the blink of an eye, she was there. Anyth...
We're all on our own for a bit, preparing ourselves for the journey ahead.
"What'd you want to tell me?" Bray mumbles, his mouth is full from a chocolate lamington.
I look in my dad's direction who's with Carmen. Carmen's asking him loads of questions about the route and Dad's trying his best not to get annoyed at her. I spot Amber in a corner with Jace. They're talking very secretively. I squint to see if I can read their lips. When Amber links eyes with me, their conversation immediately ceases. She walks off, leaving Jace to give me an irritated look as if I interrupted something.
Whatever.
"Dean?"
"Huh?" I face Bray.
"You needed to tell me something, 'member?"
"Yeah nah, don't worry about it. Not important."
❖
It's dim out and Dad has allowed us to get some shut-eye. He said the journey from here to Black Eden's Hill to the checkpoint will roughly take us about 60 minutes, which gives us more than enough time to rest and regain some strength. I can't rest till I'm in that chopper though. I make my way through the warehouse to a large dusty window with a bench underneath it, away from everybody else. A dry thunderstorm has begun outside. I wipe away some dust from the window and gaze out from it for a while. Just me alone with my thoughts and flashes of lightning.
"Hey," a voice murmurs.
It's Carmen.
"Hey," and I look back out the window.
She sits with me, "can't sleep knowing what's out there."
"Yeah, forreals."
Back when I helped Carmen across the plank, I noticed this bizarre static energy. It wasn't like lust, no not that, but more of like static. Like a familiarity and a push. I didn't know what it was so I never thought twice about it. Except now, I'm feeling that exact same electricity. I press my back harder against the wall behind me, anything to distract me from it.
"I miss my pup," Carmen says out of the blue.
"What'd he look like?" I ask out of curiosity.
She smiles and brings her finger to the dusty window. "Like that," she says after drawing a small picture of a dog in a garden full of flowers. "A 'she'."
"Aw, she's adorable. What's her name?"
Before I can get an answer, a flash of lightning lights up the sky. Who I'm then looking at right in front of me is no longer Carmen. It's Ella... Ella smiles back, one of those upside down shy smiles of hers. Her hair flutters over her shoulders and her big brown eyes sparkle in the flash. I breathe out slowly, afraid that if I exhale with force, she'll be blown away like a bubble popping or mist evaporating.
"Pookie."
It's dark again and it's Carmen again.
"What?" I ask.
"Her name is Pookie," she repeats.
Oh...
"Pooks for short," she adds.
I just saw the ghost of Ella... I'm half tired and half gone mad.
"Carmen, I..."
I wanna tell her that I no longer give a shit about what her pet's name is but the fact that she was my lover for a second. A second that fell too short because oh how I wished I was back in time just one, single, second. Another flash goes by and my wish comes true. Her mirage warms me up like a fire crackling in a cosy cabin in the middle of the woods. I've been freezing for quite a while and now there's a heat source right in front of me. What else can I do but get the closest to it that I possibly can?
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I lean over and put my lips over hers, closing my eyes. The taste of her lips takes me right back to summery days lost in maizefields. I notice it's going dark again via my eyelids. When I open my eyes, I'm startled and confused. It's like this storm is edging me. Plump rosy lips replace the upside-down smile, brown irises turn turquoise, and the hair has returned to pure milky platinum.
"Carmen, I-uh-I-" I scratch my head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that... Fuck."
"It's okay," she nods. "Don't worry about it."
I'm definitely worrying about it.
"Dean..."
"You really needa stop saying my name."
She stops and now it's no longer me apologising but her.
"Sorry," she mutters.
I sigh, it really isn't any of her fault, "sorry."
And now we're just trading a bunch of sorries which cracks us up and eases the awkwardness.
"You know, De.." she doesn't say my name this time. "Anyway, you know, I know what the majority of the Year 12's think of me, about that cheating stuff. Jace..I.." her eyes water up a little. "I really did like him. Loved him."
"Then why'd you che-"
"I didn't."
I don't believe her obviously.
"I don't blame you," it's as if she read my thoughts. "Long story short, his mate Jensen tried to get with me, and at first I thought it would be a nice way to make Jace jealous because he kept chatting UP girls, not talking to them like he says, but I couldn't go through with it. I told Jensen to fuck off. He wouldn't. Got pushy. I slapped him and I guess he never recovered from that slap because he told Jace I slept with him the very next day."
"I'm... I'm sorry, Carmen." I feel shitty for believing the rumours now.
"It's the J's, it's always the J's, you know," she says irritably, looking away for a sec to hide the tears flooding her eyes.
"Carmen, why the fuck didn't you tell anyone? Or me for that matter? And if Jace knew the truth, I'm sure Jensen would be hospitalised on the same goddamn day."
"We weren't friends, remember? Besides, Jace, he was already so furious with Jensen boasting about it all... Forget it, just forget I said any of this. It's not like it's gonna make a difference. I don't know why I'm telling you all this."
"Hey, it does, it does make a difference," I nod at her. "Thank you for telling me, Carmen."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. Here to listen whenever."
She gives me a small thankful smile.
So Jensen, I can't wait to jump back and jump him.
