I was told a lie.. [LAMS- Hamilton. (I DONT OWN THE ART!)]

Chapter 15

John's POV

  I sat in my room, curled up in a ball for only God knows how long.. occasionally letting out a sob or falling asleep for a split second. Dried blood over my knuckles from when I hit the wall.

  I hear a soft knock on my door.

"Go away.." is how I respond to it. My voice cracked a bit..

"John?" I hear Alexander's voice come from the outside of the door. I felt my heart crack a little... he seemed upset.

Frustrated or sad..? I couldn't really tell what the emotion he was holding was. I sigh heavily and reach up to unlock the door. The faint sound of a click seems loud in the bare silence. Small voices were heard from downstairs. Not much though. You couldn't hear much from here. I immediately go back into my curled up position after unlocking the door. I hear the door slowly creak open and shut softly. I hear Alex's footsteps in front of me then to my side. The footsteps stop and I feel faint heat coming from the side of my body. He wasn't touching me, but I knew he was there. Hearing his soft breaths come from next to me was enough to calm me down just a bit. I had guilt pooled in my stomach and my eyes burned from the amount of hot, salty tears that had streamed down my face. Like a waterfall during the summer, except not as pleasant. Silence stayed in the air, laying thick with both of us sitting next to each other. It wasn't uncomfortable though, more comfortable. He broke the thick silence, thinning it out.

"Do... do you want to talk about it..?" He asks softly. He sounded fearful. Afraid to talk to me..? I stayed silent. The guilt only filled my body more, filling my chest leaving a heavy feeling in my chest. A thump formed in my throat. I didn't want to cry in front of Alexander though.. let alone sob... Alexander sighs and I felt his eyes burning into the side of my skull. I tense up, holding my legs closer to my chest. My face buried in my knees to avoid any eye contact. I felt so vulnerable at the moment. I didn't want Alexander to see me like this. At the same time his presence felt comforting. Like I was safe. The old floor under us creaks, and the heat from his body intensified. Like a silhouette of his body was leaning on me. He had grown closer to me.

"I-if you want to talk.. I'll always be here to listen.." he whispers.

The air felt tense. Like a thin piece of glass slowly breaking. The anticipation heavy, waiting for the glass to snap from pressure. I honestly felt kind of pressured by Alexander. I felt like I was going to vomit from the amount of guilt in my body. I turn my head in his direction slightly, my neck cracking from the lack of movement in my body. He sits with his one of his legs close to his chest, and one leg laid out in front of him. He stared down, like a man on a mission. The expression upon his face was unreadable. He appeared to be thinking intently. Like daydreaming, but more serious. It was strange. He turned his gaze to me, and I buried my face back into my knees. Holding myself tighter. I felt embarrassed and guilty.

Guilty.

  Why do I feel guilty..?

  I snapped at my father but wasn't it right..? Pointing out all of his wrongs. He promised...

Broken promises..

I wanted to fix things, but am I the one making it worse? By being a brat and not biting my tongue? I should stand up to my father... but he had said he wanted to fix our relationship. Shouldn't I support him and his decisions?
Yet he doesn't support mine. That shouldn't matter though. I should love my father. Why do I do this? Why was I such a brat? Maybe he beats my siblings because of me. I was expecting he smell of alcohol here too.. that's bad in general. I haven't seen a drop or smelt a drop of alcohol here yet... so why did I expect it? I wasn't excepting him to change. Had he changed? I'm thinking too much.. but these are all really good questions that I can't think of answers to. I need to calm down. I put my hands through my hand and pull on it. Why do I act this way? I thought I was better. My head goes back, banging against the wall behind me roughly. Alexander gasps lightly as my breathing picks up.

Calm

Down

. . .
I follow my own instructions..

Inhale

Exhale

Inhale...

Exhale...

"Being Gay is just a phase!"

I pull on my hair again.

"John... please just—..."

"All I need is some time to think.." I sing suddenly, cutting him off. I didn't want to sing especially knowing people might hear me downstairs. And this song.. but it will calm me down. Alexander stay silent.

"But the boat is about to sink.
Can't erase what I wrote in ink
Tell me how I could change the story.."

I pause, taking a breath.

"IM NOT YOUR SON AND YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!"

That thought comes into my head again. The mixture of guilt and anger bouncing and mixing in my stomach don't go well. My eyes burn again.

"All the words that I can't take back
Like a train coming off the track.
'Cause the rails and the bolts all crack."

Tears stream down my face from guilt and anger.

I bang my head against the wall behind me as I sing the next lyric.

"I've got to find a way to,
Stop it!
Stop it!"

Alexander gasps again and holds my hands back away from my hair. I yank my look down, my voice cracking slightly in the next lyric.

"Just let me out!"

I sing out, while tears run down my face. I just needed to let that out... I sang louder than I meant to but I didn't care. I just wanted to scream and cry.

"John.." Alexander starts, probably speechless from my outburst.

"I don't understand..." I mumble into my arms, as I wipe my face. Alexander tilts his head in confusion. I shoot him a desperate glance, telling him to drop the subject. He gets the message and shrugs it off.

"She left... your siblings and Henry are worried about you..." He tells me, still in a soft whisper.

I stay silent.

"I want to leave..." I mumble.

"We can leave sooner if you'd like."

"I need to stay here with them.."

"They'll understand."

"They won't"

"Yes they will"

"No they won't."

"Yes they will. You're hurting they should understand"

"I need to stay."

"John you don't have to stay for as long as you said."

"I do.."

"No you—.."

"Alex, drop it."

"John, I—.."

"Alex, drop it!" I say, snapping angrily at him. He flinches back away from me. I sigh and rub my eyes...

Alex relaxes in front of me and whispers.

"You will be enough. Stay with me. This will be enough..."