beginnings

1

i lived alone, not for any reason in particular, i just appreciated the silence when i was given a chance to. i had things under control, i had a stable life, things were going well, i suppose. nothing was really wrong in my life but the feeling of something being off still lingered behind me every minute of the day. i was never sure what was off but i felt like i needed to put up a barrier as if i was about to be attacked, though it probably was not  true. i was prepared for it to happen. precaution for the cautious. 

i did have some company, i had a cat and sometimes one of my friends would come over. my cat, lily, always liked to snuggle with me, she was needy. she was a calico cat who was 1 year old when i got her. she was well trained and social and everyone appreciated her. my friends usually came over to check on me if i had not responded in a few hours, they were so kind. sometimes they brought over food and drinks so i did not have take out every night. i have always cared for them greatly. they have really changed my life for the better. i am glad they were there to comfort me in my times of need. they only had good intentions. they never harmed anyone.

ever.

 i am sure they never meant harm. there are only two ways this could happen and in both they are innocent. one, they did it as self defense. two, they did not even do it. both are likely but they are opposites of each other. they were either there or they were not there. i hope they were not there. i hope this is all a misunderstanding and it will be solved soon. i cant deal with this constant dread and worry much longer. its covering me like a blanket. its stealing me from this reality that i live it and shaping and changing things the way it wants reality to be . i do not know who or what this it is but i want them gone. 

 Every minute feels like i am closer and closer to exploding. Each day it gets closer to the edge. It haunts me day in and day out, like how night turns to day. It's a never ending cycle, you don't know when it started and you don't know when it ends. I am stuck in this endless cycle of what ifs because I cant trust my friends. I don't even know if they did it or not. But I have a gut feeling that they have something to do with it even if they decide not to tell me.

i stared around my studio apartment, searching for something, anything, to distract myself with. i was so caught up with the situation that i had not realized that it was almost five o'clock. i should have started dinner by four because of how long it took. i could probably just get take out though. i pinched myself after realizing that i kept drifting off while talking, even to myself. i needed to find something hands-on, something to keep my hands busy and keep my mind focused. i could read, but i read all of my books and i despised rereading books since i already knew the gist of what the story was about. i could clean but most of my apartment was as clean as i preferred it to be. even if i decided to clean, afterwards i would not be able to find anything because i never paid any attention to where i placed things. i could watch television but i finished all of the shows that i wanted to watch. i could draw, i could paint, i could walk, i could dance, i could sing, i could cook, i could bathe, i could do a lot, but not of it seemed to satisfy what i wanted to do. but i did not know what i wanted to do anyways, which sucked. 

i skipped take out and went straight to taking an obligatory shower. if anything, i had to keep up good hygiene no matter how bad i felt. i gave myself that rule long ago and i do not plan on breaking it now. the shower was warm and refreshing, maybe i would go as far as saying it made me feel a little better. i felt like i could think a little more clearly now, it was refreshing. i felt sleepy afterwards but i still wanted to stay up. fighting the drowsiness that threatened to lead me to bed, i slumped into the kitchen to make a chai (vanilla specifically, my favorite). 

i didn't have anything else to do but continue working on some school work, at least i will be distracted for a little bit. i felt some stress float off my heavy shoulders, when i completed my assignments for the week. i felt accomplished and i was proud of it. even after what my friends committed or not, i felt like i could survive it if they were proven guilty for murder. their trial was set to be held in a week and a half. i have been told it could last for five days, but i was not sure. unless there is no evidence pointing to me, i do not believe i have to be there. remembering i might not have to testify allowed some more stress to be lifted off my shoulder. 

it is amazing what a simple thing, like a shower could do to a person.

the rest of the night was very uneventful. with the coffee being drunk at midnight, i could not sleep most of the night, as it was full of tossing and turning and trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. the position was not found, sadly enough. the morning sun casted a blue tinge on everything, ushering for things to wake up. i decided to obey and try to start my day better than yesterday's beginning. it seemed pretty simple, i suppose.