i don't eve know what to say because i'm so?? fucking?? happy?? you probably know me, and i probably know exactly who you are, and i really really really miss talking to you even though there was a month and now it's been two days and i'm obsessing again. and knowing me, you know that i can't?? be?? happy?? not for long, and maybe not until they up my dosage, because right now all i feel is this weird hanging feeling, one hand gripping a ledge, though not without utter certainty that i can hold on forever. which is better than that feeling of falling, and floating, and dropping down again, but also tiring and boring and lonely. i used to laugh. so. damn. much.
you hear all these side effects - better sleep, increased appetite and concentration, more balanced mood. but really it's, sleep on the weekdays, when i have that tea and when i'm not distracted by other things, procrastinating and winging essays because i'm tired like i've rarely been tired before, no happiness or sadness and only lonely lonely surrounding emptiness, and five more pounds. by my estimate, at least, i don't dare step on the scale because i've seen it and that's too much.
this isn't what i wanted this to be. but i guess i'm just so?? goddamn?? stressed?? between digweed and that story that i'll probably delete because it's not a script but that's all i want to write is those stupid conversations and trying to figure out why the anxiety rises when the sadness goes (down?).
but positives, positives. i've been drinking water. i'll be goalie for spring soccer (and i'm not finishing that sentence with a negative negative). my friends still laugh at my jokes. white days, everything about white days. and i'm talking to you again. hello, you.
