So far, it's been
- 3 00 a.m. conversations with friends about what love is. We all seem to know, even though we don't. It's when suddenly every song has started to become more real. Not like you didn't understand the words before, but you're able to adapt them to your own experiences and redefine them. And you want them to always be there, next to you. You want them to share your mind, to experience the good that you have, and since that's not possible you decide to take them to every little place that's ever made you happy. The bridge at night. The hidden river in the Notch. Elizabeth's park. All you want is for them to feel this way, and your biggest fear is that they don't.
- Pining. Constantly. Everything seems just out of reach. I know it will come, but only in time. The new Becky Aterballi book, or the end of my math course. Some future where my therapist doesn't say, "it's only manageable, not treatable". When I find someone, anyone, to love. I am a romantic, really, I am, and it's one of the worst parts about me, when my feelings can never extend far enough. And that girl or boy that's held my eye and heart for a week or year or forever (hi, Anna Kendrick) is never going to know. Is it better? This way?
- A constant discovery for myself and friends. My sister is ace, and totally, completely homo, which is great. Most of my friends are. I'm bi, and I think that's alright, even though I haven't really figured out the technicals (another thing that's just always forever away). My friend is aro. Good for her. I'm glad. I'm glad that we can learn these things, and maybe later relearn that hey, we were wrong and hey, that's okay.
- A lot of tears, even though I'm someone who doesn't cry, not really. Movies making me sob like a child. Realizing that I let years pass after my pets died. Realizing it still hurts to think about. I'm not invincible, or even strong. Someone strong wouldn't break so easily. Someone strong would be able to imagine a future beyond forty, because that's what I promised.
- Making stupid decisions with amazing people. Sneaking out at 10 00 to a lake that closes at nine, and claiming it as ours. Watching the lightning burst in the distance and wondering if the system is collapsing. Accepting a new friend into our group, hopefully for forever.
- Kowing that all this is impermanent. Someday, we won't be friends. Acquaintances at best and even then not. I'll stalk your Facebooks and pray to find life. Children, maybe, partners. Whatever it was that you said you wished for. I'll be happy, in this future, and alive. I swear. This time is rented. The pay is due.
