Let's find Ourselves

Chapter 1 : Those who are dead, are not dead they're just living in my head.

A careful step after the other one.

Slowly.

It was an animal determination, he felt like a hunter after the prey. Simon bit his lip and crawled silently towards the small creature he'd been chasing the entire day.

It was noon in his grandmother's field in outer London and the sun burned hot, he'd been playing with his brother, riding bicycle, reading comics and for the past few minutes following a tiny grasshopper. The thrilling chase was now being resumed in the animal a few steps in front of him and Simon was sure it was seconds away from ending.

Another silent step.

He breathed and gave another step as he whispered softly ' I've got you, finally...'

Just when he reached out he was suddenly interrupted by some arms under his shoulders lifting him, at first it startled him but then he realized who it was about and felt pure joy.

'What are you doing here you little boy?' asked Julie while he climbed onto her arms like a koala.

'I was hunting mom!' said Simon between giggles as he wrapped his arms around her neck.

She raised an eyebrow surprised and gave a kiss to his cheek.

'Really? What were you hunting, huh?'

'A grasshopper' he replied merrily.

'Oh yeah, then you must've been quite into it. I was calling your name, lunch is ready and Granny made you berry rolls.'

He felt warm and exited about the invitation, the day before he'd asked to her grandmother if she could make some of his favorite desert. Her granny was the best cook he'd ever met, she always had a new recipe for lunch and dinner, and they all were simply perfect.

Mother and Son walked down the hill and got to the house in outer London.

It wasn't too big, but it was welcoming and brought good memories to the two brothers. When they walked past the bushes of the porch and got into the corridor Simon was greeted by a sweet familiar scent, and a body similar to his jumping over him.

'Simon Simon Simon' it's the only thing he hears after a couple of thin arms are wrapped around his neck.

Half annoyed buy mostly glad he pushes slightly to part from his clingy younger brother while sighing.

'Hey, I was just away for the afternoon'

'I still missed you Si!'

He walked to the kitchen where the table was already set and where his family was waiting.

Once in his bed, teeth brushed, pajamas on and already said good night to his granny and brother he waited for his mother to get in bed next to him to kiss his forehead as they always did. His dad was usually busy working so he spent most of the time with his mother, they did mostly everything together.

She was the best mother of all, she played with him, made delicious food, singed him nice songs and most importantly she loved him and he loved her back.

Then she emerged from the corridor and walked till she was next to the bed where she sat, she patted his son head so tenderly and loving with a smile on her face.

"My baby boy,"

"don't call me that mom!" he interrupted laughing "I am a big boy now"

She smiled warmly, chuckled and leant forward to place a soft loving kiss on his son's forehead.

"yes, you are, Phil. You will always be my boy."

Warm lips were pressed against his head and Simon felt relaxed, as if some kind of magic spell had been cast and he could now sleep without worries.

She went backwards, ruffled his hair and stood to leave.

"mom,"

"yes darling?"

He smiled feeling cozy under the bedcovers.

"I love you"

She smiled once more, a smile Simon would never forget.

"I love you too son," she turned the light of the room off " good night."

Simon heard the steps becoming distant until fading away. He snuggled on this bed and closed his eyes, he slept well that night, with no troubled dreams cause of course, he was a child.

2015

Then what you expect the less happens, you just don't see it coming and it's all so sudden you can't even believe it, you don't recognize words, time or whatever they're telling you, it feels so unreal and strange, cold and distant, like if suddenly all was taken away from you, leaving you cold, blank and helpless.

The moment his heart was ripped off started with his phone buzzing while he was sitting on his desk writing a letter to a music company.

Simon took the phone that was a few centimeters away from the laptop, reading the name on the screen he answered, questioning himself why that person was calling him.

"Nicholas, brother dear, what's wrong? "

There was a weird sound on the other line, which Simon could recognize as a sob.

"Nick, is everything alright?"

"She's gone Simon."

First it was shock.

His tensed expression faded, brow relaxed and jaw dropped. He couldn't reach the words, everything that was in his head left, leaving him abandoned. The words he heard had been like a gunshot, a silence while the bullet reached his heart. Only that in this situation, the time seemed to slow down till it stopped existing.

Denial.

"Nick, n-no, you can't be serious," a crack on the last word, his breath became quick and then his voice rose, " tell me it's not true!"

"Simon, I'm sorry-"

But Simon didn't hear what his brother said, the phone slipped his hands and fell to the carpet down his feet, then short after the noise of the phone hitting the ground everything went silent.

He tried to breath in, he couldn't.

Everything had stopped, the sound, his head, his heart and his life.

It wasn't true, she was fine, she was okay and was getting better, he thought she could get over it, he was going to visit her in the hospital on two days more.

He finally managed to breath in, sucked the air in and then began to feel dizzy

It wasn't happening, it couldn't be real.

Julie Brett was dead.

His mother.