But then as I lie in my bed, I turn to it watching me expectantly (it always does). I begin to think aloud (it's the norm)
"Is it really worth it? I mean all this waiting hoping and uncertainty to whether you actually mean something to someone... wishing that what you're hearing and seeing isn't true, that it's just a bad dream and you're bound to wake soon..."
"Is it really worth it? All the depression, tears, fears and ache over someone who doesn't really seem to care, only knows you when you're there and when they need you (or not) it doesn't really matter to them you know?"
I lift my head and watch it with tear filled eyes, then quickly swipe at those that have escaped the bank and now flow freely down my cheeks. I give it a watery smile, it smiles back (it never leaves it face really) encouraging me to go on, it's listening, I take a deep shaky breath.
"You try to convince yourself that you're better off without them, that they don't really serve a purpose, that even though everything seems okay that they're going to hurt you in the end."
"I mean you tell yourself all this but still you're waiting on that someone, hoping that they'll glance at you when they pass by, hoping that they'll noticed you dressed extra nice today, believing that they have as much interest in you as you in them, making yourself available at all places they're at so that they could see you... know that you're there anxiously anticipating their arrival"
The tears flow freely now, like there's a sea in my eyes, but I allow them to fall this time. Its arms are opened wide, beckoning to give me comfort. I scramble towards it and gather it up in my arms, crushing it so it felt my pain, it made no complaint. We stay like this for a while.
"So in all that waiting, hoping, believing you realize what a fool you've been and how stupid you must have looked. And it's there and then you decide that 'this is it'. No longer will you wait, hope and believe."
I slowly begin to let go from its embrace and laugh softly at first then louder and louder,
"It wasn't worth it after all."
My face is split with the smile that remains and my eyes shower it with gratitude and although it's accustomed to this outcome, it smiles back anyway. A viscous yawn rolls out my mouth as fatigue creeps at a steady pace through my body. Turning over my recently dampened pillow on the fresh, dry side, I peacefully fall asleep.
