Fingertips | ✓

five

I hated you and I loved you, I despised you and I yearned to kiss you, I was angered and I was saddened by the thought of you—all these emotions happened simultaneously with the other.

How was such a thing even possible? I asked myself this question every night before I went to sleep. During the day it was easier to place you at the back of my mind. Thoughts of you still lingered throughout the day but I'd usually occupy myself with work. I became extra productive. Even during the weekends I'd find something to busy myself with.

But at night I could not control it.

There was something about lying in bed all alone, with the darkness creeping into my room, and having the soft moonlight filter through my closed windows and through the slight gap in my closed curtains that made the suppressed thoughts come out of its restraints.

It's as if the calm night called out to be wrecked and I was a living breathing entity of that wreckage.

The quiet begged to be broken by cries of despair. The darkness raged to feed on lonely souls. The silver of moonlight that managed to shy its way into the room showcased what little hope life had to offer for the broken hearted.

I whiled away the hours in bed, caving into the darkness and the silence, hearing my thoughts louder than they had ever been before and sobbing with the truth that rang in my depressing thoughts.

You didn't want me, Bradley. I wished you did but you didn't. If you wanted our friendship back you would have done something. You would have certainly acted by now. Instead you were as silent as a ghost, the agonising quiet days turning into a month. You were there but you were invisible, haunting me with your very existence.

For the first two weeks, I called you, I messaged you and left voicemails. You ignored me, leaving my messages on seen and letting my calls go unanswered.

In those two weeks I didn't think you realised how much I actually died.

When the sun was out, work was ready to be taken on. My heart did not beat but I still sat on my chair, plastering a fake smile on my lips as I tried to move past it and not think of you.

I should have been happy that our relationship died in its early stages. I imagined having to be in one for a long time only for you to have an epiphany a few months down the line and realise that I was not the one for you. The very thought frightened me but what terrified me to the core of my being was the fact that you'd go on ignoring me for the rest of eternity.

Third week into your silence I began to send you angry voicemails. I had completely lost my shit. It was becoming too much for me to take. I was on the verge of breaking. It was as if a dam had been constructed within me the day I met you and fell in love with that easy going smile of yours, and now with months of overflowing love it was all bursting to break free.

I always wanted more from you, Bradley, but I would settle for even a small part of you. As long as I got something from you. Now I had nothing and it ripped me in two.

I wanted things to be how they were.

After the angry voicemails I gave up and took comfort in the late nights and what seemed to be therapeutic crying. Except it was only therapeutic till the very next night.

And just like that a whole month passed. Your silence was the most deafening scream I'd ever heard.

One night the tears refused to come. It was then when I was struck with a sudden realisation. All this time I had been waiting for you to come around. I made no move to actually approach you. 

With a bout of confidence bursting within me I reached for my phone on my nightstand. Unlocking my phone, I opened our chat. I rolled up and down our chat, looking at the tens of messages I had sent, ones that you had seen and not replied to. It was unlike you. Then again, you tended to turn a blind eye to the things that disagreed with you so maybe this was exactly like you.

Taking a courageous breath I sent you a message which conveyed how sorry I was and how I wished to fix things between us and move on. Seconds later you viewed my message, leaving me on seen. A let out a bitter laugh, trying to keep in the urge to cry. I was going to take fate into my own hands. I was going to do something. I had to. 

You belonged with me, Bradley.

All you needed was a little convincing.  

《 ▪ ▪ ▪ 》

a/n: as promised, here's an update for the weekend! the chapter is a little shorter but i hope you liked it nonetheless. the next one is going to be fun to write. 

on a side note i'm participating in nano this april! april is a hectic month so my word count is not that high but i'm still hoping to meet my goal. if you are also joining nano then comment your nano story and i'll be sure to check it out. 

until next time, xo.