I'm Not Lost

The Nightmare

Run... Run... Run... That all I can remember. That was the weirdest dream I've ever had. All I could remember was the constant reminder to run away. All I was doing was running away.

My alarm clock ringing right by my face. Louder and louder as I break from unconsciousness. My mom is sitting in the chair on the other side of my room, sleeping. I wonder why she's there. Why she is sitting there and how long she was there.

I get out of my bed. A long T-shirt that goes just past my butt is what I usually wear to bed. Shorts if I feel like it. Tonight I wore shorts. I throw all my pillows back onto my bed and look at my phone. I see it's fully charged and unplug it.

Friday, May 29; screams at me by bold letters on the bright screen. It's not even 8 am yet. I look over my shoulder to see my mom is still soundly sleeping. So I change quickly. Orange athletic shorts and a motorcycle tank top. I'm not going anywhere for a while.

I walk back to my bed and hurriedly make it. Sheet, covers, pillow, throw... Done. My mom makes a sudden move that makes me look over quickly. She blinks twice and then speaks, "Good morning, Dani..." She never calls me Dani... It's always Daniella. She seemed surprisingly happy for it being 7:15 in the morning.

She walks over and hugs me. "Why did you sleep in here, mom?" I look puzzled. "You were crying. Screaming. It was awful. I was hugging you, as soon as you stopped I went to sit in the chair just to be in here in case it happened again. I must have dozed off..." Her voice trailed off.

It was just me and my mom. My dad was long gone with his new 24 year old wife and their 2 year old son. I feel bad for the kid. My mom was always there for me anyway. My dad was practically useless to every extent of every subject. Nothing but pure nothingness to me.

"I was screaming? I don't remember anything like that." I said to my mother who was now sitting quietly on my bed. "Was I saying anything?" I looked straight past her. "Not that I recall, not a thi- wait you did say something... 'Leave me alone! What are you talking about. I'm not lost I'm home! Please don't do this to me! Stop please! Your hurting me!' That's what you said. In that exact order. I don't know what was happening. Nightmare I'm guessing..." That stuck in my head. "I'm not lost..."

My mom grabbed my hand. She whispered something to herself. She suggested that we go out for breakfast to the diner in town. I nodded and we walked downstairs. I was still in my 'chill out' clothes. I honestly thought I was just gonna eat toast or cereal or something. The shorts are just long enough to not see my wounds.

It started when my dad left about a year and half ago, I was cutting. Bad. To the point I was in the hospital because it was too deep. My mother was crying, my dad had no sympathy. I was worthless to him. He didn't care if I did die... That just gives him a reason to forget me anyways, right?

"Just forget it Dani, it's over now, it's just you and your mom for now on. And of course Nick..." Nick was my long time boyfriend. Since we were 13. He understands me way too well, but that's okay. He doesn't care about my scars. He still thinks there battle scars, from survival the father battle. We've been dating for about 2 1/2 years. Three on August 17th.

I grab my phone and my earphones. I put on my new flip flops and my jacket. My moms fully aware of my scars. But I cover them in public sometimes. Except school, I don't care. I have friends that understand and don't judge.

We hurry into my mom's FORD FLEX, and start to drive. I get carsick really easy so I listen to music and close my eyes. I look at my phone and turn on my playlist. Pretty much Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, Flyleaf, Metric, Shiny Toy Guns, Chris Brown, Somo, and one single song by John Legend, All Of Me... Just stuff like that.

I stick earphones in my ears and start to listen. Of course the first song is 'We Die Young' By The Showdown. One of my favorites. A number two behind 'Call You Out' by Flyleaf. I love the way the band sounds in the beginning parts. Before I know it, 4 songs played and we're here.