It started as a Game

Explosion!

They were quick and rough. Or more precisely Anthony was and Declan liked it very much. Soon the taller man was tugging at his shirt and his hands roamed his bare chest. All the while he kissed him roughly and soon Declan could hear the desperate moans coming out of the other man's mouth. He wasn't far behind himself and tried hard not to moan loudly as he undid the buttons of Anthony's shirt and felt his bare skin with shivering fingers.

The more heated it became between the two men though, the more Declan became insecure about this. It was strange. Normally, it was the other way round and you would forget everything around you. But Declan started to think. And out of all that he could think about, he thought about his mother's words.

Find someone who holds you close and never wants to let go. Not someone who is complicated. You come first.

So he pulled away and stared at Anthony. He knew this man was what he wanted. He knew this man was one of the kindest he had ever met. But he also knew that his ex-boyfriend had been very charming when they had first met.

"I can't do this" Declan stated blankly, pushed Ant gently away and sighed loudly.

Anthony looked very sad and confused. Declan couldn't blame him. But he also had to be honest and he had to remember that he came first. He didn't want to relive everything. His mother was right. He needed someone who cared. Someone who wanted him with all that he had. And not someone who was married and had tons of problems of his own.

Tears flooded Declan's eyes as memories of Jacob and him came to his mind. Memories of Jacob lying to him, straight to his face, but Declan doing nothing about it. Memories of Jacob being unfaithful, but Declan accepting it. Memories of Jacob being angry because Declan didn't want him to go out on his own to meet other guys. And memories of Jacob being rough with him. He had never really hit him, had only chocked him once and had threatened him. But that he had done a dozen of times. Declan had always obeyed to the dominant and demanding demeanour of his ex-boyfriend. And he had never stood up for himself. But that was until now. He didn't want to be a game. He didn't want to be pushed around.

"I'm sorry" Anthony said quietly. "I don't know why I did that."

"I know why" Declan sighed. "And don't get me wrong, I liked it. I like you. But... This whole goddamn situation. Anthony, I don't want to go through something like this again!"

"What do you mean?" Anthony asked sheepishly.

"It doesn't matter" Declan said and stood up. "Because nothing about me matters, right?" he raised his voice.

"Declan, what are you on about?" Ant asked confused.

"Well, I explain it to you" Declan said angrily. "I only hit on you because of your goddamn wife! Because I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to hurt her where it hurt the most! Because I wanted to be in charge for once! You don't know what she is like, she teases me, she makes remarks. Ever since she knows I am gay, she makes little skits in that direction. She grabs every opportunity to humiliate me. She is fake, Ant. And damn, I thought you were different. Do you even know how I feel?! Do you even know what it is like to be pushed around all the time?! To not be taken seriously? To be the last choice? You know what? It's not all about you, Anthony!!" Declan was panting heavily because of his little outburst. But he couldn't help it, he was just so angry all of a sudden. This just wasn't fair!

"You what?!" Anthony exclaimed and sprang off the sofa. For a few seconds he just stared at Declan, mouth wide open. Then he turned on his heel and walked out the door.