Weakness

I wake up much too early. The sun already shining in my face, bright and hot. I turn away from the window, making a mental note to get darker curtains.

My heart skips a beat at the sight of the sleeping Ki Bum in the bed parallel to mine. He looks ethereal in the morning light. I reconsider the dark curtains just because he looks beautiful with the sunlight illuminating his face.

I glance at the clock, trying to distract myself and slow down my heartbeat, seeing it is only 6:13 am.

Too bright to go back to sleep, too early to get out of bed. I roll over all the way to get a better view of Key, it can't hurt to look at him just for a bit.

Blond hair messy and falling softly on his forehead, bow-shaped lips slightly parted, blankets half covering his legs, half on the floor, his torso bare. My heart beat escalated, much too fast to be normal.

But what is normal for me? This feeling had been there since the trainee days, not as intense, but always present.

The first time I saw the boy with dark hair and high cheekbones, I instantly wanted to be friends with him. He was quiet, a lot more shy than I expected. He hardly ever directed a word towards me, or anyone else for that matter.

He kept to himself. He arrived on time every day, practiced, and left. It took me three months to learn his name.

For the first time since I saw him, he was running late. He rushed into the building and I noticed him immediately. He hadn't changed out of his school uniform, and I saw the pin on his jacket, "Kim Ki Bum."

A week later was the first time I ever heard him sing. His voice had me in a trance and it was having a strange effect on my heart. I sat in the hall, right outside the door of the room he was practicing in, until he got out.

He noticed me immediately and blushed. That was the moment I decided he was going to be my friend, whether he liked it or not. He walked past me quickly, and I let him.

Time passed, and, little by little, I got him to talk to me. I don't remember our first conversation. The only thing I remember is being confused as to why my heart was beating so fast.

It wasn't until after we debuted as part of SHINee when I realized why my heart reacted to him the way it did. I dismissed my feelings and I buried them deep inside myself.

I sit here now watching him, Key, peacefully sleeping, wondering how I could possibly deny my feelings for him. I dated girls to try to forget him, but that never even had a possibility of working. I saw him every day, and every time I looked at him, he took a piece of my heart. It was now all his, it had been for a long time, I just hadn't known it. I have absolutely no hope of ever getting it back, and that's fine by me.

I love him.

Now more than ever. Every little thing about him makes me love him more and more. It's almost our sixth anniversary as SHINee, and I still can't work up the courage to tell him how I feel.

I'm scared.

I'm terrified.

Does he feel the same way?

I guess the signs are there, but am I reading too much into them?

We've been friends, best friends, before we were part of SHINee. That's nothing out of the ordinary, but there are so many things that confuse me.

Would he accept me?

Could he possibly love me?

This is why I can never work up the courage to tell him. I have no confidence when it comes to him. He's my only weakness. There is nothing that will guarantee that I won't get my heart broken.