Broken Wings - a poetry collection

i ruin everything

i think about it from time to time
and i wonder where it ends
see my mom said she'll speak
to the lady
but do i want to wait that long
i've spent too much time already
waiting
i lost a friend today
and it was her choice
it's her right to leave
it shouldn't bother me
yet here i am as i've always been
alone
see i ruin everything
my one friend i never talk to
anymore, and the others,
ones i met through twitter
well
i don't even know anymore
like i said, i ruin everything
and i lost one of them
and i wonder if
it's something i said
or did
or some other shitty thing
i'm just sure it's my fault
because i ruin everything.
see, i shouldn't let it bother me
but i do, damn it, i do.
because i liked this friend
she seemed cool,
pretty, too
might someday be a model
and her art is superb
but see i don't say these words
to her face
(or, well, through DMs)
because i'm a shitty friend.
so like i said.
it's her choice to unfollow me
and i'm letting it weigh me down
when i know i shouldn't
and i know isolating myself
isn't the right option
but fuck, it's the only thing i've ever known
what's one more time?
the only reason
i stay on that site
is for updates on music that won't come for awhile
so why don't i just leave,
make an account no one knows
follow the boys
and hide my face.
wait for the day
we get a single, maybe two
and never see the cococult again
because obviously i can't even handle
internet friendships
and right now i need to be focussing
on my "in real life" life
some bull shit that is
the psychologist i'll see
is actually a psychiatrist
but that won't be for another few weeks
and maybe she'll have some answers
a couple of pills to make the lows
become middle ground and flatten
the highs.
and maybe it's time i go
i should stop being so honest
on these stupid pages
no one reads them
but here they are,
open for the world
to see.
i don't even know what i'm
doing anymore.
just maybe i don't belong here anymore.
writing, reading, seeing, being with a group
of internet friends who i don't deserve
and can't earn
or even keep
because they'll all leave
one day.
so here we go
-again-
the anxiety's back at it again
why am i even here?

i'll wait those weeks
to meet with that psychiatrist
and maybe take some pills and
hell, maybe they'll even help me
but for now i'm doing what i've always done
i'll distance myself and
lock myself away
i kill what is best for me
drown my happiness in my fear, anxiety
and disbelief
that anything good is for me.
because i ruin everything.

i ruin everything
3/20/18