Life Quotes and Funny Jokes

Authors Note- These are quotes and jokes I have found in a journal I used to keep a few years ago. I decided to share them with you so I hope you like them xD

"If you're in love with two people at the same time, pick the second one. If you really loved the first person then you wouldn't have fallen for the second one." 

"If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they're supposed to be there." 

"There's always a little truth behind every 'I am just kidding.' There's always a little knowledge behing every 'I don't know.' There's always a little emotion behind every 'I don't care.' There's always a little pain behind every 'I'm okay.'" 

"Doing what you like is freedom, liking what you do is happiness." 

"Move on. It's just a chapter in the past. But don't close the book. Just turn the page." 

"Every story has an end. In life every end is a new beginning." 

"Facebook is like jail. You sit around, waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls, and  get poked by people you don't even really know." 

"Sorry, I tried being perfect, but it just wasn't me." 

"Too many people use money they don't have, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like." 

Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts! 

Percy Jackson fans: I wanna go to Camp Half Blood!

Hunger Games fans: I'm fine...

Friend- Hey did you get braces? Me- No, I ate a fucking transformer and forgot to floss. 

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but what brand's your makeup, Crayola maybe? 

We all have that one friend who's laugh is funnier than the joke. 

You're probably naked under all those clothes. Slut. 

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure. 

Friday is my second favorite 'F' word. 

If video games make you violent, does Monopoly make you a millionaire? 

Friendship is like money; easier made than kept. 

Last night as I lied down on my bed, I looked up to the sky, and thought to myself, 'Where the fuck is the ceiling?' 

Make little things count. Teach midgets math. 

*Taking a hard test* Fuck this shit, imma be a stripper. 

I find it kinda ironic that red, white, and blue represent freemdom until there flashing behind you. 

Twinkle, twinkle, little hoe, name a guy you didn't blow. 

I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself.

That awkward moment when an ugly person says they need beauty sleep when in fact they need to hibernate. 

If swimming is such a good way ro stay in shape; Explain whales.

We're all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.

Girl: HeY dUdE wHaTs Up?? Me: Bitch, is your caps lock having a seizure? 

Me: I talk to myself. Me: I do too. 

A/N- That's it! I have more jokes/quotes but I don't want to post them if nobody likes them. Please comment/ vote/ fan!