Down The Train Tracks *Jason McCann*

Down The Train Tracks. ~Ch.15 ["I'm here for you."]

 **Okay, I have two warnings involving this chapter. One: it may trigger some people. Please, stop reading if you do get triggered or feel the need to harm yourself, it's the last thing I want for someone.<3 Two: for those of you who don't know that song, over there --->
I'd advise you to not listen to it. :3 You could get scared, or you could be like my three year old cousin and cry. And I don't want that either. :P** 

“Make a mark, leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I’m cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything,
especially a fucking knife.”

-I’m A Fake, The Used.

 

 

Deep breath. Now sink.

Under water. Warm skin. Wrinkly fingers. Forget everything.

Shortly after it, Jason showed Johnson out to his car. I walked down to him, simply stating that I was taking a bath. We didn’t look at each other, we couldn’t face each other. I understand I’d be dead right now if Jason didn’t do what he had done, but I’d rather that than having to live the rest of my life after what just happened. His response was a nod.

Our relationship was now similar to mine, and my mother’s. How I longed to be in her arms right now, to cry with her. After with got through it all, I’d smile with her, laugh with her, be with her. I’m not the biggest fan of my mother, we have different views on almost everything, but she was still my mother. I could still joke with her.

She loves me, as all mothers are meant to love their children, and I love her, as all children are meant to love their mothers. That being said, I still don’t miss her. No doubt though, she’d help me get through this if I got home.

But that’s not what I’d wish for if I had a wish. I’d wish this never happened. I’d wish that Jason never took me, that I never stopped in that café, that I took my phone that day. Of course, I can’t. It’s too late now.

I rose above the surface of the water, taking a deep breath in. Letting the water soak into my skin, and take all the bad memories away. I felt dirty, and I hated that. I needed to wash it off. Now, I’m lying in my filth, which is just as bad, but I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to stay here forever, alone with my thoughts. I’d drive myself insane, though, if I was left alone with just my thoughts for long.

Sometimes, I wish I could be someone else for a day. Not even be them, but be in their head, listening to their thoughts, because I’m sure that no one else thinks the same way I do. My head doesn’t work the same as other people. I don’t like thinking, yet I do so much of it. It’s bizarre, really, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.

I feel lonelier than usual right now. Tonight, I don’t just feel lonely like I need someone around to talk to, no, tonight I want someone to hug and hold, to be in someone’s arms. Not even in a lovey-dovey way either, in a loving way. Whether it be a friend, a family member, anyone. In a way that says ‘I’m here for you’.

I don’t know where this puts Jason and me. I still really like him, as strange as that may sound right now, but it was always strange. There was definitely something there before, for the both of us, but this, in the least, has put a dent in things. No matter what happens or how strong feelings grow, I’ll always remember this; I’ll remember both the good and bad in it.