atelophobia | justin huang

one

chen xuefeng

my sneakers scuff against the rough sidewalk. i keep my head lowered. it's easier to avoid everyone this way. and i know there will be people. and they'll be watching.

i shrink under everyone's piercing gaze. i know they're talking about me.

snippets of gossip catch my attention. it's been the same. forever.

why do they care?

why do they care what happens to me?

i fight the growing anger rising in my stomach, so familiar.

i want to scream.

i want to tell them to shut up, to stop worrying about other people's lives.

but i don't

because it won't matter. it's been this way forever. we feed off of other's people's stories, their lives. downgrading someone makes yourself seem better. i should know.

the whispers follow me down the hall. i fix my eyes on the dirty tiles in front of me.

one step at a time...

one day at a time...

just one more day.

i slam into someone, and instinctively i open my mouth to apologize. someone cuts me off.

zhengting.

of course.

it's been him forever.

all of this is his fault.

and he knows it.

because he's the one that caused it.

a crowd has gathered around. everytime zhengting and i run into each other, there's a scene. and everyone's watching. and whatever happens now, it'll be all over the school by tomorrow.

it's been like that forever.

he drawls slowly, loving the attention. "ahhh...xuefeng again huh?" i hate the way he says my name, like i'm not worth his time, but i fight the irritation, the growing urge to sock him in the face.

calm down, xuefeng.

he's doing it on purpose.

don't make a scene.

her voice rings in my head, familiar as ever, and tears spring in my eyes.

"awww...is little xuefeng crying now?"

"sh-shut up. now." i mutter through gritted teeth, head still lowered. because i know if i raise my head, and look at his disgusting stuck-up face, the urge to punch him will become too overwhelming. and if i punch him.

well...

it'll be all over.

because i know it won't be too long before the whispers get out of control. before i lose control of myself, before i go insane with guilt.

zhengting knows it too. he wants it to happen. this is his plan. and i'm not about to let him succeed.

i close my eyes and inhale.

calm down.

just calm down.

the bells rings, and the crowd begins to break up. i exhale in relief.

maybe not today...

zhengting looks down at me in disgust, like he can't even believe someone like me exists.

he lowers his voice and hisses, so only i hear him, "next time. next time will be last. i'll make sure of that."

he turns and strides away, purposefully jabbing his shoulder into my stack of books so they fall all over the floor, and his 'posse' follows. the snickers start, and i bend painfully over to pick them up.

a hand reaches out and hands me three of my textbooks from the ground, then turns and follows zhengting to class.

he's new. at least, i haven't seen him before.

already people are gossiping. i can imagine the headlines already.

new boy helps school loner.

i sigh, and trudge to first period to pick up what must be my eighth detention this week.

damn zhengting for making me late.