atelophobia | justin huang

nine

after a while, she calms down. and she begins her story.

"xueli and i were so close. we were best friends. i still remember the promise we made, that we'd be friends forever. i was the older one, by a year. and when we came to this school, immediately i became queen."

xuefeng...

she was at the top?

she continues, "i was the one everyone looked up to, even though i was colder. xueli was the nice one, so outgoing. but i was the 'better sister'. everyone said i was prettier, smarter. and even though she kept her cheerful facade, i knew the words got to her. but i ignored it. we grew further and further apart. we weren't as close as before anymore. and i knew it hurt her more then anything, because we'd promised we'd be best friends no matter what. and i, i was the one that broke the promise."

she sniffles, and closes her eyes. a tear slides down her face.

"i was so, so selfish. i pretended i didn't see her suffering. i...i liked it. i liked being looked up to, even though it hurt my sister, so much. after about a year, she developed...feelings. for zhengting. she told me, because even though we were so different at school, we were still best friends. and she told him. justin, she loved him so much. and i couldn't see why. to me, zhengting was the monster he is today. he manipulated people, and sacrificed so many people for himself. i didn't understand.

then, a miracle happened. xueli...she...she confessed. even though she knew she would probably get rejected. but.

she didn't get rejected. and...my sister, and zhengting. they started dating. she immediately became popular, and happy. and i was happy for her, because we were sisters. but somehow, i knew, there was something wrong. zhengting just...he wasn't the type to love someone. and i knew there was a catch somewhere. but i pushed it away. like, maybe if i ignore it, then xueli's happiness would be real. i...i was so stupid.

because, xueli...

they were going on a date. but she went to the cafe, and she saw...zhengting and another girl, a senior, making out. and she was so heartbroken. and zhengting, he said, "don't you see? i never loved you. you're such a fool. you think anyone will love you? you'll never be the best. what everyone says, they're right. you'll always be second to your sister. and no one will ever love you. oh xueli, you were so stupid. you thought i loved you? what a joke."

she was...

she cried for so many weeks. she was so heartbroken. and there was nothing i could do. it was all my fault. if i weren't so selfish..."

the tears came again, faster, and i let her cry for a few minutes.

"then one day...i came home. she...my sister, my best friend, she never left me when i broke the promise...justin, xueli, she killed herself. suicide. they found her surrounded by blood in her room. i came home to police cars, ambulances, and flashing cameras. and nothing. my best friend, my sister, she was gone. and i wasn't even there to say goodbye.

they found a note. she'd written it before she died. and it said all the things i'd already known. she was sick of being second, and never being enough. she said she didn't deserve to live, that someone as...as disgusting as her, didn't deserve to live.

but she was wrong. i'm the one that doesn't deserve this. i ruined her life. i don't deserve to life. justin, it's all my fault. i killed her, i destroyed her. and i pretended i didn't know.

as soon as i returned to school, i blocked everyone out. i built up walls. zhengting was already turning everyone against me. so many rumors. xuefeng, the perfect one, killed her own sister. and slowly, i went from the 'queen', to nobody. but i didn't care anymore. i lost my sister over something as stupid as the school hierarchy. it didn't matter anymore.

justin, i killed my sister, my best friend. now you know the truth...are you going to leave like everyone else?"

•••

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